If you’ve been reading this website for the last few months (and you probably haven’t, if my stat counter is accurate), you know about my tendency to adopt mantras.
Previous mantras include like water off a duck’s back (words that helped me survive the bureaucracy of the federal government) and everyday is an adventure (or, how I’ve dealt with the destruction that Calla leaves in her wake). My new mantra:
It’s a rental.
I’m not getting my deposit back, that’s for sure. So I might as well chill out and let the Tasmanian Devil run her course. Trim around the windows torn off again? It’s a rental. Door ripped to pieces? It’s a rental. Scratch marks on the floor from Calla dragging the coffee table across the living room? It’s a rental. I’ll do what I can to repair this crap apartment before I leave. But I ain’t gonna lose sweat over it.
Not only is it a rental, but it’s a piece-of-shit rental with number of janky jerry-rigged quick-fixes that couldn’t possibly be legal. Up until last year, for instance, the kitchen sinks of several of the other units in the building drained directly into the alley. Literally, the pipe stuck out of the back of the building and spewed water every time my neighbors turned on their sinks.
And last week I discovered that the window in my living room is screwed into nothing but drywall. There are no studs (or whatever those things are called) for a good 8 or so inches around the perimeter. This means that when you push on the glass, the entire fucking window moves, which scares the crap out of me because Calla is strong enough to blow the whole damn thing out if she wanted to. (Actually, a freaking toy poodle might be strong enough.)
Anyway. This is completely unrelated but there is a town on the Oregon Coast called Astoria. Likewise, there is a section of Queens called Astoria. Back East, we pronounce that name like this: uh-STORE-ee-uh. But out here they say ASS-tore-ee-uh. It’s a real problem for me. I can follow a conversation and be real into the (ass) story, but the moment someone mentions ASS-toria I immediately begin to wonder why in the hell people out here choose to say it that way and then I start thinking about how much I miss New York and my family and real pizza, and once you’ve got me on that train of thought, you’ve just lost me altogether.
Well there you have it. Now you know that a) I live in a piece-of-shit rental and b) I am a terrible listener.
But at least it’s a rental.
11 responses so far ↓
1 The Other Laura // Apr 15, 2008 at 9:41 pm
a) that’s unbelievable. at least when my ceiling caved in it was due to leaky pipes not general lack of infrastructure
b) Astoria rocks, not so sure about Ass-Story, eh?
2 Zach // Apr 15, 2008 at 11:11 pm
It’s a rental — Great mantra! I think I had an apartment like yours once, instead of the sinks spewing out the side of the apartment, it was the dishwasher. Periodically the side yard would be full of suds due to all of my neighbors cleaning their dishes. The grass never seemed to grow for some reason?
Astoria, OR? Okay, am I the only dork that thought immediately of “Kindergarten Cop?” You know, the current California Governator saying his classic line “Its not a tumor!”
3 TimsHead // Apr 16, 2008 at 2:52 am
There is probably some tipping point when you realize that a crappy apartment is sufficiently defective that you stop caring about keeping the deposit. I’ve lived in some quirky places before, and it’s all I could do to jerry-rig things and make them functional when the landlord takes forever.
Here in Oswego, or ’sweg’, Astoria would be ’stori’, so we wouldn’t have to deal with that pronunciation.
And besides, it’s a rental.
4 Jen // Apr 16, 2008 at 6:05 am
Greetings from Astoria, NY
Can I tell you how many times I’ve been looking for stuff online for my area and come across random things in Astoria, OR? :p I think it’s funny they are pronounced differently….
As for the rental mantra - shame on your landlord for the quick fixes…that sounds awful…..
5 Ernay // Apr 16, 2008 at 7:04 am
Baby girls are coming…will be here no later than next Friday (sounds kinda like a UPS commercial, no?). Regional inflections are good…witness: “The Staten Island AD-vance”. Greetings from Brook-LYN!
6 ashley // Apr 16, 2008 at 8:06 am
ahhh..the bungalows…sure does bring back memories. i can say that i have lived in 4 apartments in that complex and they are all on the dumpy side. never have i lived in a rental where i didn’t have to say “it’s just a rental” on a regular basis! i doubt cala could do more damage than the drug dealers did in the place across from you!
7 ale // Apr 16, 2008 at 11:48 am
unrelated comment: brown ledge keeps emailing me asking if i want to work there/BE DEPARTMENT HEAD. didn’t they do this to you? what do i do???
8 Lori // Apr 17, 2008 at 7:07 am
Don’t just by footprints of who reads you. I read everyting you post, but I read it through email.
I read it as ASSstoria!!
9 Tara..MaximaBella // Apr 17, 2008 at 7:29 am
I was born in ASS-toria, Oregon *wink*
10 Karin Leak // Apr 19, 2008 at 7:50 pm
I’ve never heard anybody pronounce it ASS-toria. Really, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Is it only the people FROM said town who pronounce it that way? ‘Cuz this is new to me.
Then again, I’m (originally) from NY, not Astoria, NY, but upstate.
11 malahat sunset // Apr 19, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Is it childish of me to say that anybody who pronounces it “ASStoria” deserves to live in a place called Asstoria?