Things haven’t been flowing smoothly today. First, my printer at work stopped working. Then—well, I’ve said I won’t blog about work and I think I should keep that promise. So I’ll be vague.
Let’s say you work in a place that has a lot of regulations. And one of the things necessary at said workplace is a lot of yearly training.
Training, of course, happens at every office. But in certain places it happens with greater frequency. So now, let’s pretend that there are about fifteen or so modules, in all, that you need to complete. And they all expire at different times, and are located on different websites and have different logons. There is no central place that tracks the status of your training, so knowing when training is due and knowing how to access it can be, let’s imagine, difficult.
(Found that image here.)
Meanwhile, about once a month, someone in another department sends you an email saying that he or she does not have record of a certain training module that you’ve done but they think you haven’t, and it’s absolutely critical that you prove that you have done said module immediately. So then you have to dig up the certificate and give them a copy—or, worse, if you didn’t print it out the first time around, you have to try and remember your logon to that particular module so that you can print it, which may take a phone call to IT (and the subsequent 20-minute hold time) to get your password reset. All of this and you end up getting a very similar email from someone else about yet another module a few weeks later.
Are you frustrated yet? Good.
Now imagine what happens when it’s time to present proof of training for an employee who no longer works with you. Nothing, right? The person’s gone, so who cares? Right?
NOPE! Still matters. Because certain paperwork hasn’t yet been processed. Because some documents still show that person’s name. Because sometimes, you can’t just leave your job behind.
Now imagine the crust of the earth. The continental crust.
That’s how thick the stack of paperwork will be to remove this person from everywhere it needs to be removed. Then imagine you’re me.
CONGRATULATIONS, I hope you enjoy your personal slice of the Earth! Have fun processing that 70-km stack of paper! With a broken printer!*
*I’m exaggerating—the printer is now fixed.
Now that you’re me, it’s probably time you get started with your training. Here’s your first question:
1. What should you do with your password?
a: Announce it to everyone on the bus
b: Give it to your coworker in case you forget what it is
c: Never share it with anyone under any circumstances
I’m not kidding. A very similar question was actually on one of the modules I’ve taken. You better study hard!!
8 responses so far ↓
1 Boo // Jun 21, 2007 at 7:29 pm
That’s crunchy.
I want desperately to say “a.” So A. I don’t want to get you fired but being you for even a short period makes me have to say A. For the love of sanity, A! Or B.
2 TimsHead // Jun 22, 2007 at 2:46 am
d. Post it on your blog, MySpace and Facebook accounts.
I just had incident-management training yesterday, two modules concluding with tests. The instructors essentially did everything they could to emphasize the answers to the tests, which were open-book. But do people really learn that way?
ryc: That would have involved me finding enough free time on Thursday to do the last-minute Tipsheet shuffle, which didn’t happen. Freaking Xanga!
3 thinlizzy17 // Jun 22, 2007 at 4:29 am
Well. That sounds really pretty fabulous, in a “bang your head here” sort of way.
ryc: I’d love to have a clothesline. Alas, we live in a townhouse in a neighborhood association that we’ll just call the “neighborhood gestapo.” Clotheslines are strictly verboten. Ugh.
4 Laura // Jun 22, 2007 at 9:30 am
I’m so with you. At least we only have two websites and 5 admins to track our training. Of course, only some of the training you need to complete is on the websites, which can be updated without notifying you.
Our password question includes an option for telling just a few close friends, in case they need to access your files.
I’m baffled as to how anything ever gets done at all.
5 Natalie B // Jun 22, 2007 at 8:30 pm
fucking insane! at least you get paid for it right? not enough though, I’m sure…. it’s never enough
6 michael5000 // Jun 23, 2007 at 4:19 pm
My workplace never trains anyone about anything. We do complex, sensitive work with little supervision — but the training program is generally “Here, read this uselessly vague and out-of-date manual if you ever have time, which you won’t, because we’re going to have you take over responsibilities immediately.” I recently watched a coworker being ‘trained’ by someone who had been hired a week before he had.
7 Peter // Jun 25, 2007 at 3:49 pm
Actually, that nutshell picture is my creation, and ever since I put it on my MySpace page I see it cropping up on the net everywhere.
Nice to see people like it.
And I really feel for you when it comes to bureaucracy and stupid questionnaires. I really question the sanity of all the people in charge of these things.
8 Laura // Jun 25, 2007 at 9:55 pm
http://xckd.com/c281.html