Consider the following examples:
Symptom: Persistent headaches for an entire year
Google Diagnosis: Brain tumor; you’re going to die
Professional Opinion: Not a brain tumor; headaches are probably caused by your stress-related habit of clenching your jaw
My doctor: “So you’re worried you have a brain tumor?”
Me: “Yes.”
Him: “Because Google told you you’re going to die?”
Me: [sheepishly] “Yes. How did you know?”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Symptom: Weird bump under my tongue
Google Diagnosis: Oral cancer; you’re going to die
Professional Opinion: It’s probably just a blocked salivary gland; might go away on its own
My dentist: “You have a bump under your tongue.”
Me: [with a mouth full of cotton balls] “Whad?! Id it odal cander?”
Him: “Highly unlikely. Probably just a blocked salivary gland.”
Later that evening, Google informs me that if you have a blocked salivary gland, it hurts to eat pickles.
Me: Asa, could you open this jar of pickles?
Asa: Pickles! Where did these come from?
Me: I bought them because Google told me I could use them to test for cancer.
Asa: You’re insane.
Me: [crunch] Omigod! It doesn’t hurt to eat pickles!! I’m dying!
Asa: No you’re not. Quit it with the Googling.
Me: Wait! I think my last bite might have hurt a little bit.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Symptom: My fingers keep getting tingly and numb
Google Diagnosis: Possibly carpal tunnel syndrome, but more likely lupus; you’re going to die
Neighborly Opinion: Your hands are just cold, run them under warm water and turn on the heat in your apartment, you cheap ass
Me: You have carpal tunnel syndrome. Tell me—did it start with a tingly sensation?
My neighbor: Yes. Accompanied by a lot of pain in my wrist.
Me: I don’t have any wrist pain! Maybe Google was right about the lupus!
Her: It’s not lupus! Relax.
Me: Google said that you have lupus if your fingers go numb in the cold!
Her: You probably just have poor circulation. You’re fine.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I’m sure if I were to Google “obsessive-compulsive disorder” or “hypochondriac,” I’d have myself a couple of mental health problems to boot—but I’m not going to do it. The Google diagnosing STOPS RIGHT HERE.
I’ll use Clusty instead.
10 responses so far ↓
1 TimsHead // Mar 20, 2007 at 4:23 pm
What if you Googled obsessive-compulsive disorder or hypochondriac and it linked back to this blog?
2 thinlizzy // Mar 20, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Last time I googled something I got hijacked and ended up with sites that only took me to “anal escorts” and other pornographic stuff. Porn doesn’t kill you (as far as I know) but it certainly is annoying. Maybe I’ll use clusty, too.
3 Lynn // Mar 20, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Instead of Google telling me I’m going to die, I have well-meaning e-friends who keep asking me things like “did you have an MRI, dear?” and “does anyone in the family have a brain tumor?” Stuff like that. And I have to say “It’s just a f*cking migraine, okay? I had those tests, okay?”
Advice never comes from the places it should be coming from. Or something like that.
Lynn
4 Boo // Mar 20, 2007 at 8:28 pm
When prescribed a medication once I took it without googling for information about it. I had side effects not listed in the papers from the box. So when I went back to my doctor and told him what the side effects were, he accused me of going online to find out what other possible rare side effects there were so I could manifest them.
Yeah, he was nuts. I told him he was nuts too. I hadn’t been to a doctor in years. I am the antithesis of a hypochondriac. He requested old charts and at another appointment told me that I need to see him more regularly when I have problems and that I shouldn’t wait to some in when such side effects would happen. that I should call or go to the ER. Way to back peddle.
He said he was very sick and tired of people going online to find out information. Oh you bet I do it now with every single thing I take!
5 TimsHead // Mar 21, 2007 at 2:40 am
BTW, did I mention this entry is laugh-out-loud funny? It is
6 michael5000 // Mar 21, 2007 at 11:16 am
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
7 linda // Mar 22, 2007 at 3:07 am
Hmmm. Lupus…die? Well, yes you can die from lupus, I nearly did. And, by the way the cold white then purplish blue finger thing in the cold is called Raynaud’s syndrome and it is not lupus but may occur in overlap WITH lupus.
8 Anahita // Mar 22, 2007 at 9:49 pm
All I can say at this late hour is: paahahahahaha! No wait..ahhahahahah LOL It pretty much sums up what I would have said if I commented on this post after getting a good night’s sleep
9 My Dog is Chelsea » Blog Archive » The easiest/fastest/cheapest med school in the country—or why I should never, ever go into the medical profession // Mar 27, 2007 at 3:50 pm
[...] think I need to go see mine but I don’t want to out of sheer embarassment. You see, due to my Google diagnosing problem, I have called/seen my doctor for a couple of odd things in the last few [...]
10 PhoenixFiresky // Mar 30, 2007 at 9:57 pm
As someone with lupus I have to agree with Linda. No, you probably don’t have it. The hallmark sign of Lupus is a butterfly shaped rash over your cheeks and nose – and sometimes your eyelids and forehead as well. It looks like a sunburn, except that you know it can’t be, because you weren’t in the sun enough to burn, etc. If it were Lupus, you probably wouldn’t die of it anyway. It happens, but it’s rare. She’s also right about the tingling and whiteness being Renaud’s – which is really NO big deal at all. And, like your neighbor said, running your fingers under warm water will take care of it.
Try looking on WebMD instead of Google. It’s got a thing where you can click on a human shape to show where it hurts, describe your symptoms, and then it tells you whether (or not) it’s an emergency, at what point you should call the doctor or dial 911, how long your symptoms say you can wait to be given an appointment (for example: If headache is accompanied by fever over 103 and accompanied by nausea or vomiting, call 911; if headache is accompanied by nausea or vomiting without fever, schedule a doctor’s appointment for within one week), etc. It’s very reassuring…provided it’s not telling you that you should be calling 911. LOL!