NOTE: The actual events referred to in the following letter occurred circa mid-December. I’ve been meaning to post this for a while, and am doing so now because a) I actually have the time at the moment and b) the significance of the photoblog will resurface in a post to come. More on that later.
December 17, 2006
Schmuckface W. Penknife
3247 N. Twatwaffle Blvd.
Doucheland, OR 97458
Dear Schmuckface,
For the love of all things douchetastic, why, why, why did my beloved Geo Tracker become the target of your stupidity? There are several things wrong with what you did last night, and I’d like to use this opportunity to call them to your attention:
1) You should know by now that proud owners of crappy cars with soft tops DO NOT leave anything of value inside of them, particularly when they live across the street from boarded-up buildings. Obviously, you discovered this when you rummaged through the contents of my glove compartment and neglected to remove anything.
2) On the off-chance that you simply forgot that there wouldn’t be anything worth stealing inside of my car, you also neglected to properly enter my car. Yes, it is true that a pen knife (or a determined fist, whichever you used) very easily slashes a hole in the window of a Geo Tracker. In your carelessness, however, you failed to consider the number of other quick ways to enter my car—none of which result in hundreds of dollars of damage.
For your convenience, Schmuckface, I’ve attached to this letter a photographic demonstration of the two easiest—and least impacting—ways to break into a Geo Tracker. I hope you’ll find time to carefully study the pictures, as I think you’ll see that those of us who leave nothing to steal in our cars prefer that you break and enter without damaging them.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Laura
Enclosures: How to (Properly) Break into a Geo Tracker, bill for $250.
How to (Properly) Break into a Geo Tracker
METHOD ONE
Step A: Unzip the back window
Step B: Crawl in the back window, unlock the door, crawl back out.
Step C: Open door and voila!
METHOD TWO
Step A: Remove side window from groove
Step B: Reach in and unlock door.
Step C: Open door and voila!
WHAT NOT TO DO:
15 responses so far ↓
1 TimsHead // Feb 24, 2007 at 6:44 am
Aw, Laura. Sorry for the existence of Schmuckfaces in the world.
Several years ago, I lived on a street that many pedestrians took returning from the downtown bars (and had a crackhouse or two around the corner, I later learned), yet was used to leaving my car unlocked. With several CDs sitting in it in plain sight and the occasional watch (I used to take them off while driving). Twice people stole cheap watches I left sitting in the middle receptacle. Once I had someone steal Everything But The Girl’s Temperamental disc, which meant ejecting it from the player. Yet my other CDs were never touched. I do wonder if this means that drunken kleptomaniacs are making statements about my taste in music.
2 corbow // Feb 24, 2007 at 9:10 am
Well, that’s just crappy! Perhaps Schmuckface was hoping to find his Christmas presents in your car? Hope it didn’t get too wet in your car from the rain (I don’t remember how rainy is was in mid-December).
I had to giggle at “Twatwaffle Blvd,” though.
3 Lynn // Feb 24, 2007 at 9:58 am
That was hilarious! I had no idea a car could be so easy to break into. And to think I had a Geo Prizm once. Well Schmuckface will probably never be caught and you were stuck with the bill. I once saw a bumper sticker that said, “Nothing of Value in Car.” Maybe you need that.
Lynn
4 Natalie B // Feb 24, 2007 at 10:19 am
The pictures are the best. They really tell the story! And I like you economic us of the “voila!” picture twice… very good!
5 thinlizzy // Feb 24, 2007 at 12:12 pm
I’ve always wondered how to break into a Tracqueur and now I’ve got a great guide. I especially like the “crawl in through the back” photo. It’s not suspicious or anything.
6 Kellen // Feb 25, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Twatwaffle. That just made my day.
7 Gabe // Feb 25, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Aye, crappers. I looked at your step-by-step photos and chuckled… then I saw the damage done in the name of pure stupidity and just got mad. Grrrr, I’d like to send NEGATIVE vibes to the person who would do such a thing…
I had my driver’s side lock bashed in (but they still couldn’t get in the car) during Christmas… and I just don’t see the point in fixing it… It’s got that “een there, done that” feel.
Gabe
8 Ernie // Feb 25, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Nice ass!
(Couldn’t resist!)
I can relate, being the past owner of a ‘78 ord Granada (Notice missing “F”…) that was broken into for no reason in March ‘93.
I prefer “fuckwad,” but “twatwaffle” is absolutely sublime!
9 Oscar // Feb 25, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Wow. They certainly took the hard way. And, sadly, that’s one of the many reasons I dislike cars with cloth.
10 Oscar // Feb 25, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Wait…Geo Trackers still exist?
11 Jacque // Feb 26, 2007 at 5:20 am
Laura - SO sorry about le Traquer! What an idiot, to slash the plastic window when a zipper was plainly obvious. Oh well, we never said they were smart.
12 Greg // Feb 26, 2007 at 6:39 am
Regardless of the existence of “Schmuckfaces” in this world, it’s great to see that satire is not dead.
13 michael5000 // Feb 26, 2007 at 8:12 am
A few years ago, somebody busted out the window on my truck to check out the fab loot in my glove compartment — ice scraper! map of southwestern British Columbia! — having apparently not noticed that I DON’T LOCK THE DOORS.
Note to methheads: try lifting up on the little handle, first.
14 Solomon // Feb 27, 2007 at 9:14 am
Dear GeoFreak:
It’s uncanny, how did you know my name was Shmuckface and that I was the one who vandalized your vehicle? In truth, I just couldn’t believe you were still driving this car. You could look on what I did as a crime, but you could also call it Youth In Asia. Your car is crying for release from this life, and I was just trying to help the process.
Yours ever,
Schmuckface
15 Stain // Mar 4, 2007 at 7:25 pm
Stain, you have outdone yourself. Truly the most outloud hilarious thing I have seen in awhile. I have a deadline tomorrow morning. Haven’t started. I feel close to you right now. Thank you for introducing “Twatwaffle” into my vocabulary.
Love,
Stain