“Grandma?”
“Who’s this?”
“It’s Laura.” My phone conversations with my grandmother invariably follow this pattern.
“Oh, hiya Laurie!” She babysits for someone named Laurie, and that confuses her a bit. I have come to learn to respond to any variation of Laur-. “How are you? Are you in school? Do you have a boyfriend?”
“I’m done with school, Grandma, but I have a boyfriend. I’m living with him in Oregon.”
“Are you getting married?”
“Not yet.”
“Why not?
“Oh, I’m not ready yet,” I always say. “How are you?”
“I’m good. It’s nice to hear your voice. I miss you very much,” she says. “I have to go—I need to take a shower now, I love you!”
My grandmother must take a lot of showers because every phone conversation I’ve ever had with her has ended in one. I don’t think she’s trying to avoid me—it’s just that once we’ve exhausted the school and marriage topics, there isn’t much else to do but bathe.
She’s 89 years old, and a lot of the things she says don’t make a whole lot of sense. She has intense fears of highly irrational things—driving in the dark, being a passenger in the car in the dark, staying home alone, small rodents, big rodents, medium-sized rodents, rain, being in the car in the rain, being in the house in the rain, knowing it might rain, suspecting precipitation of any sort, etc.
Regardless, her quirks are often quite endearing. She’s famous for leaving before she arrives—I remember one Christmas morning, she arrived at our house and her greeting words to my mother were: “Elaine, I’m leaving at 3:00 so we can get home in the light”—and while this makes it rather difficult to plan anything, its reliability is kind of funny. Uncle Joe has great stories about her aloofness and most of them are pretty damn hilarious.
And so I’d like to share this one with you. Uncle Joe called me the other night to say hello, and he passed the phone over to Grandma so she could add her greetings as well. I missed the call, and all for the better—I was lucky to catch this one on voicemail. Because a transcription would do anything but injustice to it, I’ve uploaded the audio clip for you all to listen to on your own time. It’s hard to tell here whether or not she’s being cheeky or just confused (my guess is confused), but regardless it’s funny and I’ve been getting quite a chuckle out of it over here:
13 responses so far ↓
1 rubyblue123 // Aug 29, 2006 at 1:58 pm
I love it! My Grandma is the same exact way. I should give her a call.
2 Laura Squiddichino // Aug 29, 2006 at 2:18 pm
Hilarious! That sounds like what my mom will be in 35 years. My grandma is surprisingly lucid, though she only has one granddaughter and never puts together that a woman’s voice calling her grandma is me. My grandma is a smart alack, too, very opinionated. It’s surprising to see somebody so much like me who was 2000 miles away while I was growing up. Funny how these things translate, either socially or genetically. Sounds like you may have being a quirky old person to look forward to!
3 Cheryl // Aug 29, 2006 at 2:21 pm
That is priceless!
4 jules // Aug 29, 2006 at 6:00 pm
I just listened to that at work… my 10 underlings have probably just confirmed that i am working just as hard as they are… guffawing at the screen and all. haha… thanks laura.
5 TimsHead // Aug 29, 2006 at 7:01 pm
Even after the first of her strokes, my grandmother couldn’t necessarily remember if she had already told me a story (but then she probably had so many visitors, the confusion could make sense) but she was especially good at recalling things from my childhood. She was particularly proud of the newspaper I made when I was four that included the expose naming her Idiot of the Year for her child-management style and dislike of squirrels. My journalistic instincts, thankfully, later improved.
Your grandmother does sound like quite the character. And it’s funny that Uncle Joe sounds almost like I expected.
ryc: Interesting that it took until the 28th comment for anyone to see/mention my typo. I’m keeping it, for the sake of authenticity. And, what the heck, I’m already on to my next entry. MySpace seems to bring friend invitations and messages from young women informing me of their Webcam shows. Do losers really sign up for these things? Anyway, I don’t deal with that crap over in Xanga.
6 BOB // Aug 29, 2006 at 7:27 pm
Laura,
That was so funny…remember, I’ve experienced some of those moments…I liked your Grandma, she was unique…the next time you talk with her, please say hello for me…Uncle Joe, too….say hello to Mom also…
Bob
7 Boo // Aug 29, 2006 at 8:16 pm
Oh thank you for letting us hear that! Funny! So the rain bugs her but the showers don’t. Location, location, location.
I don’t have any grandparents left. And this is a cool reminder of how funny they were at times too.
ryc: We have to laugh at ourselves first. That way we beat them to the punch.
8 Emily // Aug 29, 2006 at 8:31 pm
That’s hilarious. Reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend’s grandmother. He recently moved in with her. Before getting a cell phone, I had to call her house and ask for him. Unfortunately she’s deaf, so after asking if I can speak to him she replied with “I can’t hear a word you are saying but you sound too young to be calling for me so I’ll grab Sean…” It was amusing.
9 Chubs // Aug 30, 2006 at 8:24 am
it was like that with my grandpa for a while too… he never had to shower, but i wanted to talk and he just couldn’t handle it once his 2 questions were out of the way.
10 Laura // Aug 30, 2006 at 9:42 pm
I love Grandma already!
11 fern_forest // Sep 2, 2006 at 9:19 am
LOL! that kicks. my granny (dad’s mom) asks me everytime I see her, without fail, if I have a boyfriend. sadly for her about 98% of the time the answer is no.
my other grandma, like yours, has intense fears of irrational things. she hates flying. hates it. even though she has never had a problem while doing it. i wish i could convince her to fly to FL to see me - i could hook her up with some dude in the retirement community hahahahaaha, not. but for real. i hope i don’t turn into a fearful old lady too. i’m sure i will.
is there an easy way to explain how you bought and set up your own website or is it all too complicated? i really want to figure it out.
12 rainingheart // Sep 4, 2006 at 12:39 pm
Laura,
I’ve been having weird conversations with my Gramma. First off, my name is Phoebe and my sister is Rachel. So when I call her she says, “Hi Ray…uh…Phoebe.” and when my sister calls it is “Hi Fee…uh…Rachel.”
Then, the next thing she does (makes me sad) is she asks when my birthday is…I tell her and then she gets upset that she forgot it. Never mind that she asks this every time and every time I say not to worry about it. It makes me sad that she forgets our conversations, and makes me even more sad that it makes her sad. Does that make sense?
Phoebe (Raining Heart)
13 Mandie // Sep 12, 2006 at 8:18 pm
Oh, gosh. Please upload more clips of all your stories and phone calls, etc. You have the most hilarious family ever. God forbid yours and mine should ever get together.