Now that it’s been two weeks since I posted Part I of my Aunt Joanne story (which I recommend reading, if you haven’t already, before you delve into this one) I suppose it has lost some momentum. But now that my deadlines have passed, I feel 78% better and all out of town guests have left, it’s probably time I get around to finishing it. Truth be told, the only reason I didn’t end it then and there was because I wanted to make sure it was okay with Joanne that I tell you the piece of information I’m about to reveal.
This was her response: “I READ THE BLOG OUT LOUD OVER THE PHONE TO [your cousin who just celebrated her 15th birthday] RACHEL AND i [lowercase in original] LOVED THE FACT THAT YOU LEFT THE STORY HANGING. I THINK THAT YOU COULD SAFELY TELL THE WHOLE STORY—i THINK THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW—[Rachel's older brother] RUSSELL I THINK KNOWS ALREADY. BUT ONE THING I THINK I CAN SAFELY SAY IS THAT I THINK YOU ARE COOLER AND HIPPER THAN I EVER WAS EVEN IF YOU DIDN’T—”
Did you think I’d let her finish that sentence? Not quite yet. Of course, with all the build up I’ve given it, undoubtedly you will be unimpressed when I finally do. Let me preface it with this: when I wrote Aunt Joanne’s autobiography, I was 9. As a child of the 80s, I grew up in the midst of a media frenzy about kidnapping. The first thing my peers and I learned in kindergarten after “Stop, drop and roll” was this: “NEVER TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS.” They probably still teach this to kids now, but back then our teachers used it as a constant reminder that no matter where we were, we were not safe. A strange man in a trench coat could approach us at any time, offer us candy and then swoop us away.
So you might imagine my surprise when Aunt Joanne told me this piece of undeniable proof that she was the coolest, hippest person I knew AND THEN told me that I had to keep it a secret: when she was—I think—a bit younger than I am now, she left home and hitchhiked across the country.
Sure, back then, all the hippies were hitchhiking to San Francisco. It was par for the course, really, to walk out on the road, stick your thumb up and hop in the first car that stopped. But my nine-year-old reality had only experienced hitchhikers in the form of homeless vets on the side of the road, and my highly-effective education during the formative years left me well aware of the fact that talking to strangers led unfailingly to tragedy and death.
“Don’t write that in the biography,” she had requested after revealing her secret. “I don’t want Russell and Rachel to get any ideas.”
Them? What about me?! But of course, the only idea that I ever got from learning that juicy tidbit of information was that Aunt Joanne was a fearless, adventurous and unbelievably cool role model.
An hour after Aunt Joanne gave me permission to print her 15-year-old off-the-record comment, she sent a follow-up email to inform me that she has recently joined a women’s soccer league. “Just another tasty tidbit about your cool aunt,” she wrote, and this time it was without caps lock.
12 responses so far ↓
1 gracebug // Apr 25, 2006 at 7:31 am
Well, I must say the ending was worth the wait.
I, like you, was raised on the fear of kidnappers and strangers lurking in unmarked vans and girls’ restrooms (the real reason, for those who still haven’t figured it out, that girls go to the bathroom in pairs. Safety in numbers and all that.) I was equally shocked to learn, when I was about fifteen, that my mother had ALSO hitchhiked across country – from Missouri to Wyoming - where she took a summer job at Yellowstone National Park. And there was a story about how once my uncle and her almost got stuck in Mexico because they had someone in the trunk of their car when they tried to cross the border back into the states.. I can’t remember the details of the story, and unfortunately my uncle and she have both passed away, so that one might remain forever a hazy mystery.
All this from a woman who was the most responsible, level-headed woman I’ve known.
2 mas88 // Apr 25, 2006 at 9:38 am
I once joined a women’s soccer league too. It was four years ago, right after I moved to Washington (DC), and after 2 practices I was kicked off the team because I was “too hetero.”
“It’s not that you’re not a good soccer player,” the team captain said, “It’s just that we all want to have sex with you and since you have a boyfriend, we figured it’d just be better if you left.”
Tell your Aunt Joanne not to act too hetero.
3 jaki_o // Apr 25, 2006 at 10:46 am
My mom’s brother once hopped on a train and rode it to Seattle or something (from MN) and stayed there for a couple months. Or so the story goes. The story also says that he got on Welfare, because back then you didn’t have to be in the state all that long to get it.
He eventually came back, if you were wondering. I thought it was crazy 1) to board a train especially if you didn’t know where you were going and 2) to just take off and live somewhere else without making arrangements first. But we’re a different generation now.
4 kamomlise // Apr 25, 2006 at 11:45 am
How fun for you to have her for an aunt! Lisa
5 Boowasborn // Apr 25, 2006 at 11:57 am
Wow, and she stopped the caps lock too! By the time I was in high school ready to do that kind of thing, there were already after school specials about it and movies that scared us silly. But a few lads did ride across country together. (They did not ride back though. Airplanes do wonders for swollen calves I guess.) Did she go alone? That would be scary even then I would think. It’s great that she’s still energetic and active too. And you got a hip and cool nod from her. And she’s right I think. Good story!
6 Corbow // Apr 25, 2006 at 12:37 pm
I hitchhiked to school once when I was in high school. It was the first and last time, since the guy who picked me up insisted on reaching out and grabbing my breast. Fortunately, we were stopped at a light near my destination and I hopped out.
7 TimsHead // Apr 25, 2006 at 3:03 pm
I grew up in a small enough town that no one was really a stranger. Although I’ve seen news events that say that such considerations don’t necessarily work out perfectly.An adult soccer league? Your aunt does rock!
8 ARboiWundr23 // Apr 25, 2006 at 6:38 pm
Awww…the good o’ days when you couldn’t trust anyone…wait…Things really haven’t changed that much?!!
I love little tidbits from older relatives past…they always seem so much “cooler” after you find out that they actually did things in their past. Like, it wasn’t until I was a teenager that I found out that my parents lived in a Las Vegas casino for the first two years of their marriage…and that if my sister wasn’t born, I would have been home schooled in an RV going cross country…
9 geekgoddiss // Apr 25, 2006 at 7:42 pm
That’s a pretty impressive story! I read a book once about something similar…East of the Mountains. I must be honest—it left a little to be desired, but it was the closest thing I had to relevancy…by the way, Aunt Joanne is so cool.
10 sunshineboy78 // Apr 26, 2006 at 6:01 am
One of these days I’ll have to tell you about my father’s hippie adventures. They only thing they’ve inspired me to do, is stay at hotels with room service. When are you coming to NY again?
11 zanyajc // Apr 26, 2006 at 5:00 pm
OK, so I found my way here via Timshead, and of course I had to read about your totally cool aunt, and then about your uncle’s bottle of wine…
Great blog, it makes me laugh! Have a good one!
12 Jay_Galk26 // Jun 13, 2006 at 5:32 pm
I’d rather run away from home and join the circus if I was gonna leave. Their probably always looking for World’s Fattest Man to replace the one who is laying in the corner clutching his chest.
Jay {Brad Pitt…in a robe} “Rawr”