My Dog is Chelsea

Last week, Asa announced the following:
“We have plans on Sunday night,” he said. “It’s a surprise.”
Let me explain a little something about myself. If you happen to mention IAS (”it’s a surprise”) to yours truly, you effectively guarantee that I will speak of nothing other than the S in your presence until you finally spill [...]

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This morning I got pulled over for going 33 mph in a 25 zone. The officer issued me a warning and then let me go.WTF?
I am a slow driver. I sped up because his car was tailing my ass and I got worried that I was making him late to work. And then he turned [...]

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Chelsea smells.
I mean that as affectionately as possible. Her nickname, which in recent years has become her main moniker, is The Stink.
Frankly, I think Chelsea’s proud of her stench. Her ability to smell is one of the few senses she still has left—it’s probably how she still remembers where the rest of her body is.
The [...]

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I quit my job at the deli! Well, sorta. I put in my notice and they’re looking for my replacement. Will soon be unemployed. Scary. I’ll be sad to go, in a way, but I’m looking forward to having some time to figure out my new game plan. Must clean bathroom now.Oh, and Asa and [...]

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It’s a good thing that Harry Whittington looks like he’s going to live—otherwise millions of people would have to change their bumper sticker to this:
“Guns don’t kill people, vice presidents kill people.”
I mean, really. What a goddamn moron. In his interview, Dick Cheney said that the reason he didn’t immediately tell the press is because [...]

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