My Dog is Chelsea

Last week, Asa announced the following: “We have plans on Sunday night,” he said. “It’s a surprise.” Let me explain a little something about myself. If you happen to mention IAS (“it’s a surprise”) to yours truly, you effectively guarantee that I will speak of nothing other than the S in your presence until you [...]

[Read more →]

This morning I got pulled over for going 33 mph in a 25 zone. The officer issued me a warning and then let me go.WTF? I am a slow driver. I sped up because his car was tailing my ass and I got worried that I was making him late to work. And then he [...]

[Read more →]

Chelsea smells. I mean that as affectionately as possible. Her nickname, which in recent years has become her main moniker, is The Stink. Frankly, I think Chelsea’s proud of her stench. Her ability to smell is one of the few senses she still has left—it’s probably how she still remembers where the rest of her [...]

[Read more →]

I quit my job at the deli! Well, sorta. I put in my notice and they’re looking for my replacement. Will soon be unemployed. Scary. I’ll be sad to go, in a way, but I’m looking forward to having some time to figure out my new game plan. Must clean bathroom now.Oh, and Asa and [...]

[Read more →]

It’s a good thing that Harry Whittington looks like he’s going to live—otherwise millions of people would have to change their bumper sticker to this: “Guns don’t kill people, vice presidents kill people.” I mean, really. What a goddamn moron. In his interview, Dick Cheney said that the reason he didn’t immediately tell the press [...]

[Read more →]