The Iceman reported today that he was orginally mistaken about his age. “I’m not 203,” he said. “I’m 544.”
As some of you might remember, a few months ago a man entered my place of employment and announced that he was just two centuries old. This turned out to be a lie.
“But you said you were 203!” I protested.
“Well, I was mistaken.”
At that age, I guess, it must be pretty hard to keep your facts straight. Still claiming to have been cryogenically frozen by British Prime Minister Tony Blair (who also froze himself), the Iceman finally set the facts straight for me.
“My name is Brän,” he said. “B-R-A with a sideways colon on top-N.” I explained that his sideways colon was actually commonly known as the umlaut.
“Oom-lot? Oh, well, anyway,” and he went on, “You know the paper towels called Brawny? With the picture of the wood cutter? That’s me. That’s my company. They just spelled my name wrong.”
Brän looked about as much like the Brawny man as he did 544 years old, but who am I to point such things out? Anyway, his disinterest in my punctuation lesson taught me that the sideways colon correction was enough commentary from this peanut gallery. “Wow, pretty cool,” I said instead.
He finished up pouring himself his six-shot espresso (!) from the do-it-yourself cappucino machine and leaned in towards the deli area.
“No, no, here’s the truth.” He was whispering now. “I am actually King Arthur.”
“King Arthur? You’re kidding.”
“Not kidding. King Arthur.” The smell of campfire on his clothing was enough to tame a piece of garlic bread, and he stood close enough to me that I could see the beard hairs growing out of the bridge of his nose.
“But you can still call me Brän.”
And out the door he went.
EDIT: He didn’t look like this Brawny man either.
20 responses so far ↓
1 aropeofsand // Jan 12, 2006 at 7:14 pm
You’ve got the new metro Brawny guy though! Thats’ your problem right there! You need the old one who… looked more like a 1970s gay porn star.
2 visitamanda // Jan 12, 2006 at 7:53 pm
THis is my favourite blog of the day (and I did a lot of reading today in an effort to distract myself from the 16 page tome I should be writing).
3 trcs // Jan 12, 2006 at 8:58 pm
With a great story like this, I almost forgot you weren’t living in New York anymore!ryc: that really should be the week you take your trip to Vancouver. I mean it’s even for a good cause. And with the exchange rate, slightly cheaper for you than for my Canadian friends. (and thanks for the banner compliment!)
4 VirtuallySane // Jan 12, 2006 at 11:22 pm
I suppose it really is all relative when you’re 544. What a great story!
5 TimsHead // Jan 13, 2006 at 1:51 am
Apparently six-shot espressos must have something to do with longevity. I don’t think I like the new beefcake Brawny guy … the other one who sort of looked like a burly Mr. Pringle had a certain charming cheesiness.Oh, and I most heartily approve of your Wikipedia linking. It gives your story a bit of an educational subtext.
6 thinlizzy17 // Jan 13, 2006 at 2:39 am
I think the new Brawny guy looks like a date rapist.
I’m sure Bran doesn’t look like that. I’ve never had a friend named after a grain. I’m a little jealous of you.
7 chicagoartgirl23 // Jan 13, 2006 at 2:47 am
I don’t usually laugh in the morning–thanks for making me do so. Bran is a most excellent man and if a dude named Jesus claimed to be the son of god and millions of people belived him, why not belive this dude is King Arthur? Although he sounds more like a Merlin to me…::smile::
8 sunshineboy78 // Jan 13, 2006 at 3:03 am
I’m not sure that he’s crazy. In Welsh tradition, the King Arthur character is actually called Bran. It is also entirely possible that the character on Brawny paper towels is based on this guy. It is almost certain that the word Brawny comes from his name. Perhaps this guy is flirting?
9 jaki_o // Jan 13, 2006 at 3:06 am
What interesting characters you get to meet at your job! I wish I had an Iceman.
10 geekgoddiss // Jan 13, 2006 at 3:14 am
Do you make this shit up?
11 Jay_galk25 // Jan 13, 2006 at 4:36 am
“Do you make this shit up?”
There’s no way, this is to good not to be true, love it!
Jay {you open your mouth and I’m grounded once more} “Rawr”
12 Didya_evawonda // Jan 13, 2006 at 7:17 am
Re: Brawny from Bran
No dice, sunshine, though the Brawny/beefcake connection is apparently real
brawn
1290, from O.Fr. braon “fleshy or muscular part, buttock,” from Frank. *brado “ham, roast,” from P.Gmc. *bræd- (cf. O.H.G. brato “tender meat,” Ger. Braten “roast,” O.N. brað “raw meat,” O.E. bræd “flesh”), from PIE *bhre- “burn, heat,” from base *bureue- “to boil, bubble, effervesce, burn” (see brew). The original sense is “piece of meat suitable for roasting.” “The specific sense ‘boar’s flesh’ is exclusively of English development, and characteristic of English habits” [OED]. In Eng., specifically “boar’s flesh.” Brawny “characterized by muscle” is from 1599.
Cool avatar!
13 MaximaBella // Jan 13, 2006 at 8:22 am
LMFAO, Ok so wait, he came back? Oh I love it! I wanna work where you work!
*we call my brother in law, Bryan ‘braun’*
14 fern_forest // Jan 13, 2006 at 9:30 am
6 shots of espresso! Damn. I had four once unknowingly and had to drink a beer to calm down and then I just threw up. Bad day. Is he sure he’s not a character in a Tom Robbins novel? He sounds lost.
15 geekgoddiss // Jan 13, 2006 at 10:24 am
RYC: Well, I love the stories—realr fiction. I think you’re good enough to come up with this on your own, but isn’t truth so much stranger than fiction anyway?
16 Lamont_S_Cranston // Jan 13, 2006 at 10:41 am
So wait the guy who was behind me at burger king wasnt king arthur? Damnit I swore my alligience to him.
17 doctorperky // Jan 13, 2006 at 1:47 pm
No, no. I am King Arthur. He’s lyling.
18 Gnarlysurf // Jan 14, 2006 at 6:16 pm
Brawny man is hot.
19 mundanelunacy // Jan 15, 2006 at 3:47 pm
What is it with you and sanitary paper products???
20 perfectsymmetry // Jan 16, 2006 at 4:55 pm