The Iceman came into the store yesterday. He carried a large backpack and a hiking stick; his beard was more voluminous than my boyfriend’s and the smell of a camp fire hung tightly to his clothing. His face, charred slightly from smoke, stood in jarring contrast to the bright blues of his eyes.
He was fiddling with the do-it-yourself espresso machine and mumbling like Rain Man when I approached him.
“Do you need help with the machine, sir?” I asked.
He looked up. “Well, you see, it’s just that I’m 203 years old,” he explained.
Oh.
“That’s pretty old,” I said, though he didn’t look a day over 35 to me.
Turns out, the man was cryogenically frozen in 1802. The son of the then-prime minister of England, he was turned into a human ice cube as an infant and thawed only in the summer of ’69 (when he got his first real six-string—bought it at the five-and-dime), and proceeded to grow and develop as a normal human being from thereon in.
Or so he claims.
“I’m the oldest man in the world,” he boasted, “but no one ever believes me.”
I wasn’t about to let him off the hook so easily. “How do you know that there aren’t other people who were frozen before you, and when they defrost, they’ll be older than you?”
“Actually, there is another oldest person in the world. He’s related to Tony Blair.”
I was trying to muddle through the problem of having two oldest people in the world (were they twins?), when a customer asked for a pound of pasta salad.
When I turned back around, the Iceman had goneth.
22 responses so far ↓
1 sunshineboy78 // Nov 22, 2005 at 5:13 am
That sort of doesn’t count. I mean, if one is born in 1066, but cryogenically frozen as an infant and not resusitated till 1992. Well, not only would he or she look like a teenager, but he or she would have all of the experiences of a teenager, the person’s cellular age would be that of a teenager, and they’d have the life expectancy of a teenager. How does this make the person the oldest in the world? They haven’t lived at all yet? You might as well say that I am the oldest person in the world. After all, matter an neither be created or destroyed, therefore – the elements that are me must have been around for millenia before this so-called iceman was even born.
2 TrinityOne // Nov 22, 2005 at 5:16 am
Ummmm….. there are some damn strange people in your neighborhood!
3 TrinityOne // Nov 22, 2005 at 5:17 am
And that is a great picture of you and your dog!
4 chublin // Nov 22, 2005 at 6:13 am
ha ha. there’s certainly no shortage of weird people in the world…
5 chicagoartgirl23 // Nov 22, 2005 at 6:34 am
I’m dying here-you served him a fresh one! Thanks for making my day good again.
6 Brittwarner // Nov 22, 2005 at 6:36 am
I just laughed out loud again.
So thank you.
7 MaximaBella // Nov 22, 2005 at 7:22 am
he really told you all of this?
well thats more interesting than someone at Target in my checkstand actually sharing with me that there Gucci bag was $900 plus…NO, I didnt ask..
8 Coccinella // Nov 22, 2005 at 7:24 am
wow craaaaaaaaaaaazy!! lol
you can obtain clove oil from a shop that sells incense, herbs, oils, etc. or you can even check with a gnc or someplace like that – a natural foods store too. just make sure it’s essential oil so you can put it in your mouth (for toothaches and such). ciao
9 aropeofsand // Nov 22, 2005 at 7:52 am
Oldest person in the world? He doesn’t know about my ex then, hah ah ah… ahhhh…. I made myself sad.You got some crazy people in your store, girl.
10 geekgoddiss // Nov 22, 2005 at 9:03 am
I like the profile pic
No muzzle. The cage seems to do the trick now.
11 HaveyoumetGreg // Nov 22, 2005 at 9:08 am
And a Bryan Adams reference, to boot.
12 rubyblue123 // Nov 22, 2005 at 9:24 am
Was he wearing a tin foil beanie? I think I have an oldest dude that walks up and down my street with a lawnmower and I’ve often wondered if he just got thawed out a little too late. I love the new profile pic – awesome!
13 sunshineboy78 // Nov 22, 2005 at 9:30 am
I guess listening to voices in your head all day long, would make you feel like the oldest person on earth.
14 momsahippiechick // Nov 22, 2005 at 9:50 am
that’s sad. i used to work with those kind of people every day. what if, though, he was really telling the truth? and everyone else thought he was crazy, but we were all the crazy ones?!? just a thought.
oh, and to answer your question..that would be a cock ring, laura. makes it stand up straight and proud even when it doesn’t want to!
15 thinlizzy17 // Nov 22, 2005 at 10:21 am
This is what I used to love about working in retail.
ryc: I love green walls, too! I’ll have to post a picture when I get it all finished in here.
16 mundanelunacy // Nov 22, 2005 at 10:47 am
you should have asked him to “ICE” your wrist.
17 TimsHead // Nov 22, 2005 at 11:27 am
I do love your little stories. These characters have a way of finding you (and I, as well). Must be a writer’s aura or something.Just a shame he disappeared. It would have been so cool to learn a little more about 19th-century life. Maybe next time.
18 derf6179 // Nov 22, 2005 at 1:42 pm
Wow… you meet the most interesting people at work.
19 Ed_Kaz // Nov 22, 2005 at 1:45 pm
Hi. Thanks for the birthday wishes, and Bruce rules. But we know that already, right?
20 Ed_Kaz // Nov 22, 2005 at 1:47 pm
He’s a slippery one, that iceman.
21 Gabe_Real // Nov 22, 2005 at 2:07 pm
I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting Sir Iceman, however, I’ve been introduced to Madame CrackHo and Constable Drunky, and they weren’t really in the mood for conversation.Positive Those were the best days of my life Vibes.RYC: I’m sure you could do it with songs from The Boss.
22 Rod_Lamour // Nov 24, 2005 at 5:09 pm
Only You .