I made it here, safe and sound. I’ve been slacking in the blogging department, but I’m going to blame it on the fact that I just moved 1,300 miles and haven’t really unpacked yet, let alone found housing or a job. But regardless, here are a few stories from the trip:
Day One, AKA The Day of Treacherous Driving and Nowhere to Sleep
Due to a navagational error on behalf of my Geo Tracker’s high-tech GPS system—okay, let’s be honest here: on behalf of my poor map-reading skills—I ended up on a 13-mile stretch of gravel road through a mountain pass. I know what you’re thinking—”13 miles, schmiles, what’s the big freaking deal?—but please understand that when your 2-wheel drive Geo Crapper is fish-tailing around on a 5-foot wide road that is so steep it warrants the sign “THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE IN WINTER MONTHS,” things start to get a little scary. Plus, since I was averaging a solid 15 miles per hour, it took me almost an hour to see pavement again.
My breathing got heavy and all I could think about was what would happen if I got a flat tire. Nobody will find me for days, I thought to myself. I’ll finish that jar of peanut butter in the back seat and that will be the end of me. I freaked out. I started crying and screaming at the road: “F%#! you for not being paved! F@#$ you! This has gone on LONG ENOUGH! I WANT PAVEMENT!”
Then my body started to get tingly. My hands clenched into fists that I couldn’t undo. I could barely control the steering wheel with my wobbly hands. I’ve never had a panic attack before, so I could be wrong—I am no MD, that’s for sure—but if I had to diagnose myself with something, it would be a panic attack and bad case of not reading my road atlas’ legend.
Had I read the legend, I would have known that a road impassable in winter months is a road that no Geo Tracker should ever attempt to tread. It is a road unfinished.
Anyway, due to my navigational error, I made it to Cuba, NM, a mere 100 miles northwest of Santa Fe, in a record three hours. Obviously, since I had gotten a late start (duh… actually, I was supposed to leave on Wednesday but I didn’t end up going until Thursday, go figure) and had proceeded to make completely ineffecient use of my time on the road, I was never going to make it to my goal of Provo, UT by nightfall. I ended up making it to Moab, three hours short of Provo, when I realized I couldn’t drive anymore.
Asa had done me the favor of researching Moab hotels that allow dogs—I had no camping gear with me, mind you—and so I called the numbers he gave me to find a place with vacancy. Well, as it turned out, not a single motel in all of Moab had vacancies at all. (I started crying again). I could always sleep on the side of the road, I rationed, but with a car whose main protection from intruders is a plastic window that unzips, the thought of sleeping in the car less than warmed my heart. Not to mention that being in the same position I had just spent the last 10 hours did not sound appealing in the slightest.
It was past 9 pm when I finally stumbled across an outdoor gear store that was still open. At first I thought it was a mirage of sorts—a locally-owned ma-and-pa outdoor gear store that’s still open after 9 pm on a Thursday? It couldn’t be! But it was: it was really open. I walked inside with a tear-streaked face and announced that I needed to buy a tent.
The woman looked at me strangely. She knew something was wrong. I started wailing again. Between sobs I explained to her that there was nowhere for me to sleep and that I didn’t want to sleep in my car so I needed to buy a tent.
“Well, I can sell you one, but I don’t have any cheap two-man tents right now. They’re all really top of the line. You probably don’t really want to spend that much.” She was right—heck, the gas alone from Santa Fe to Portland was going to drain my funds significantly.
She pulled out a phonebook. “What about a campsite that has cabins?” She made a phone call and before I knew it, I had a cabin reserved in my name with a bed, heat AND electricity. I have never been so happy to go to bed in my life. And this is what my view looked like when I woke up:
Days Two and Three, AKA The Days That Aren’t Worth Blogging About
The rest of the trip was comparatively uneventful, so I won’t bore you with details like, “And then I drove. And then I drove some more,” but general highlights include:
- I have an incredible bruise on my right shin due to walking into a coffee table in the lobby of a hotel that didn’t have vacancy. Asa says it looks like a tattoo, and I’m proud.
- A truck stop in Idaho advertised having cheap diesel and riblets.
- The very eastern edge of Oregon is marked by brown rolling hills that can best be described as the Sound of Music meets severe drought.
- The northern border of Oregon, along the Columbia River, is the prettiest drive I’ve ever made.
- I listened to almost all of Dude, Where’s My Country? book-on-CD.
- Chelsea farted a few times but did not vomit.
- The Crapper’s timing belt did not explode, nor did other mechanical problems arise.
- The roof started to come off in the back left corner, and against all efforts to make it lock back into place, the stupid thing kept coming off. The good thing was that nothing fell out. Once, when I was driving to Vermont several years ago, one of my Birkenstocks flew out of the opening in the roof onto Interstate 84. I can’t believe I just typed the word “Vermont” and “Birkenstock” in the same sentence.
- The ultimate highlight: The drive is OVER and I am HERE. It is quite lovely here. More on that for another day.
Yours,
Mydogischelsea
25 responses so far ↓
1 jaqz // Sep 27, 2005 at 9:30 am
a feat of survival. beautifull view!!! but i’m glad you made it, man.
2 anth0nyc // Sep 27, 2005 at 9:35 am
whew! good goin!
3 TrinityOne // Sep 27, 2005 at 9:51 am
LOL! Let me get this straight — you didn’t want to sleep in your car because it only had a plastic cover with a zipper but you were thinking of sleeping in a tent which was probably nylon and a zipper. LOL.
But I am glad that you safely made the trip. After all, I would greatly miss your posts if anything happened!
4 rubyblue123 // Sep 27, 2005 at 9:57 am
Faaaabulous!
5 PhishChica // Sep 27, 2005 at 10:14 am
I’m glad you made it there safely! That’s a beautiful view you woke up to!
6 jaki_o // Sep 27, 2005 at 10:15 am
Glad to hear you made it safe, and mostly sound. I’m also glad that that woman helped you out and you got a nice place to sleep.
7 sunshineboy78 // Sep 27, 2005 at 10:35 am
between Vermont, Portland, Berkenstocks and Trackers, I’m beginning to think you are Secretly Lebanese and that ASA is just a beard.
Hey M-Dic, I just thought of something – Your Ass-a has a beard on it!
I slay me.
8 Gabe_Real // Sep 27, 2005 at 10:54 am
Positive Vibes that you found your way!(And PV to the Crapper for not Crappin’ Out!)*heart*Gabe
9 trcs // Sep 27, 2005 at 12:12 pm
Man you tell a good story. Laughing outloud as I’m pretty sure I’d be reacting exactly as you did on day 1 (“and then I cried again”). haha. I can never say it enough: I love nice people! Thank goodness for the sweet, tent-selling lady with the cabin hook-up :)
Welcome the the Pacific Northwest, neighbour. well, not exactly neighbour…. whatever. details, details.
10 TimsHead // Sep 27, 2005 at 12:28 pm
Every time you go on a long trip, we know that we will be sad for a few days, knowing we won’t see any posting, but happy that we know there will be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, a light at the end of the tunnel, a brass ring at the end of the, er, you know, carousel ride or whatever. And, as usual, you delivered another wonderful story. I did, I’m afraid, laugh at the description of you telling the car to go fuck itself, and smiled warmly at the tale of the very nice lady at the outfitting store. Glad to have you back in the Xangarama!
11 derf6179 // Sep 27, 2005 at 3:57 pm
You really know how to tell a story! Thanks for the entertainment…err I’m glad you’re safe!
12 thinlizzy17 // Sep 27, 2005 at 4:22 pm
I’m glad you made it! I did most of the puzzle on Sunday, and thought, “I wonder if mydogischelsea a) got the puzzle and b) made it to Portland” (yes I think in lists like that). Oh, and by the by, I can’t imagine using the words “Vermont” and “Birkenstock” in the same sentence (she says somewhat sarcastically from Vermont while wearing Birkenstocks).
13 VirtuallySane // Sep 27, 2005 at 11:21 pm
Glad you made it safely! And what would a roadtrip be without a few stories? Looks like the view in the morning (amazing) was *almost* worth the trauma.
14 Danareina // Sep 28, 2005 at 12:49 am
Sounds like an incredible ride, glad you made it there in one piece and dog puke free as well. Now you have amazing Portland to enjoy – and I’m looking forward to reading about your adventures, as I’m sure they will be many.
15 chicagoartgirl23 // Sep 28, 2005 at 3:20 am
Oh man–I know that tingly “f-u” feeling you get when your are horribly lost in a bad, bad situation. Yikes! I’m glad that lady was so nice to you–people are so pleasantly surprising sometimes. Yay for Portland!
16 Jules27 // Sep 28, 2005 at 8:40 am
Quite the adventure, hurrah for nice people and safe, scenic travels (Oregon is a gem, will have to hit it again in the near future when I’m home). P-town is fantastic!
17 thinlizzy17 // Sep 28, 2005 at 11:40 am
ryc: The panda cam is a live camera on the baby panda at the National Zoo. I got there by googling “panda cam.” Anyway, it’s live mama and baby panda footage and makes me go “awwww” because they’re so cute sometimes.
18 Jay_galk25 // Sep 28, 2005 at 12:21 pm
Your alive and I’m dying, the irony.
Jay (I’ll have a better comment later) “Rawr”
19 sunshineboy78 // Sep 28, 2005 at 1:36 pm
I didn’t use my new phone for the posting, but I am using it for this comment.
20 mas88 // Sep 28, 2005 at 4:32 pm
Yay! Having made three cross country drives–congrats on doing the south-to-north.
p.s. I giggled about your birkenstock and vermont references in the same sentence as I accidentally threw an ancient Naot out the window of the car in new hampshire this summer…not quite the same thing, but still. Even though I am an insufferable tribeca yuppie, I can still lose a stinky old sandal in the wilds of new england….
21 trcs // Sep 28, 2005 at 6:17 pm
ryc: yup the sale’s going on as long as he has bikinis left… it’s his own bikini company so he just wants to get rid of this year’s stuff. He’s stoked that we’re taking stuff off his hands.And re: the Vancouver School Board, I just got the call today that my “interview was successful”. yay. I was also offered a private tutoring job today, so I guess technically I have 6 employers now! haha. Once the teacher strike thing calms down I can start quitting some of them. yay for that too! I haven’t quit a job in YEARS.
22 Jay_galk25 // Sep 28, 2005 at 10:59 pm
Ryc: Shit just came undone, you can read about the leading up in the back posts. Btw this post was the first thing that made me smile in four days, thank you.
Jay (The trouble is, your in love with someone else) “Rawr”
23 sunshineboy78 // Sep 29, 2005 at 7:05 am
see edit
24 MaximaBella // Sep 30, 2005 at 7:08 pm
LMFAO….you do realize were neighbors right???
And how the hell were you commenting on my blog since youve been on the road? Ive been trying to figure that out all week!!
25 geekgoddiss // Oct 10, 2005 at 10:47 am
At first my comment was going to be, “People laugh at things when they can identify with them.” And I was going to tell you that I have cursed at inanimate objects on more than one occassion. Then I got to the bottom about the roof and the shoe and Vermont, and I cannot identify with that at all, but I’m laughing so hard that I’m crying.And Chelsea the farting but not vomiting dog cracked me up too…