Since I’ll be Portland-bound in a few days, it’s time to get an expert to look at the ol’ Geo Crapper and tell me that she still has a few miles in her before needing a complete overhaul. I’m fairly confident that Le Traquer is ready for the drive, despite the squeaky brakes and leaky air vents (and when I say “leaky air vents,” I do not mean that air is the only substance that manages to squeeze through—precipitation does, too. This means that while I’m living in Portland, my car’s floor will be home to the lesser-known sixth Great Lake). But even if the car is fine, it’s probably time for an oil change, at the very least, and when I think of oil changes, I think of the time I brought my car to Jiffy Lube in Colorado Springs:
The man who changed my car’s oil was somewhat greasy. Not just greasy in the mechanic sense of the word, but greasy in the “dirty old man with gold teeth” sense—you know, slimy. Blatantly looking every woman in the place up and down. Creepy.
“Hey, girl, whatcha doing around here with these New York plates?” he asked me.
“Oh, you know, I live here, just haven’t bothered to change them.”
“You live here, eh?” Crap. Shouldn’t have said that. “So what do you do for fun around here?”
“Oh, lots of things.” Short. Sweet. No information whatsoever.
“Maybe we could do something fun together sometime,” he responded.
In situations like these, I never know what to say. I don’t take well to being hit on by total strangers, particularly when they’re creepy. But I also don’t like being rude, so I have trouble saying, “No thanks.” I always end up in an awkward lie—something like this: “Actually, I’m extremely busy at the moment—I’m packing up my whole house and moving back to New York—I barely have time to sleep let alone do fun things.” I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just say no.
“Eh… maybe. I’m really busy right now—getting ready to move across the country,” I said, very predictably. “Thanks for the oil change.”
I got in my car. Undeterred by my response, the man flashed me a blinding golden smile and asked, “So—when will I see you again?”
Heh. This is my moment of glory. The time when I actually said something good at exactly the right moment:
“In another three to five thousand miles.”
And off I went.
19 responses so far ↓
1 Lucy_the_Valiant // Sep 16, 2005 at 1:03 pm
Haha! great last response!~rivkah
2 TimsHead // Sep 16, 2005 at 1:13 pm
LOL! And I’m sure you couldn’t put enough miles between the two of you.Also, I suddenly just had a weird visual of Le Traquer appearing in a Ripley’s Believe or Not strip with a title: Behold … the sixth Great Lake! And it’s portable! Today: Santa Fe! Tomorrow: Portland!Yeesh, I’m tired!
3 trcs // Sep 16, 2005 at 2:26 pm
man, I love road trips. Are you doing the drive solo? If you end up having kids one day, they’re going to get to hear the best stories about you and your Geo Crapper!
4 trcs // Sep 16, 2005 at 4:16 pm
ryc: no :( I keep seeing people’s “I recieved your cd!” comments, and I’m getting jelous and feeling left out. :P
5 zmftimelord // Sep 16, 2005 at 4:31 pm
A geo? Shouldn’t that be in a museum? That’s like driving an Eagle Talon: so early 90s.
6 perfectsymmetry // Sep 16, 2005 at 6:24 pm
That’s one of the best feelings ever: saying “something good at exactly the right moment.”
7 momsahippiechick // Sep 16, 2005 at 7:48 pm
Great return. How long’s the road trip and when are you leaving?
8 Rod_Lamour // Sep 17, 2005 at 2:45 am
Fab Response to the dirty old man….you handle youself just fine….Do you need money for the trip?…Let me know…Love Uncle Joe
9 Jay_galk25 // Sep 17, 2005 at 7:18 am
“Maybe we could do something fun together sometime,” he responded.
Wow, at that point I would have just jumped in the car, backed over him, and took off :).
Jay (I wish I knew how to quit him) “Rawr”
10 Branna // Sep 17, 2005 at 9:29 am
ROFL! Perfect response. Perfect. Mwahaha.
11 thinlizzy17 // Sep 17, 2005 at 11:06 am
Excellent response. All that would make it funnier is if you showed up there again saying, “I said I’d be back for anothter oil change!”
Alternate possible response: “Fun? Sure! Do you know how to play Candyland? It’s sooooooooo much fun! When do you want to see me again? Well, that’s the thing. I’m kind of, uh, homeless and on the run since I have warrants in 8 states, so can I like, crash with you for a while? Actually, forget I just told you that. No, wait. We should get married so you can’t testify against me. Where’s city hall? Seriously, jump in, let’s go. What are you waiting for? You’re not a cop, are you?” *looking paranoid*
12 rubyblue123 // Sep 17, 2005 at 11:40 am
I suffer from the same affliction and I’ve got to hand it to you for the witty response. My m. o. would have been to peel out of the parking lot leaving him with a mouthful of gold teeth and dust. Bravissimo! Best of luck on your journey. We look forward to hearing about it.
13 StigmataMartyr42 // Sep 17, 2005 at 12:58 pm
Hello, so you didn’t sneeze in someone’s rice milk cappucino? I think I might if they were being complete assholes about it not foaming and all, lol. So you are moving to Portland for good? I’ve never been but I hear it is really grey there? Who knows, lol… I am sure your Geo will make it there, as long as you don’t haul ass. Take your time and it’ll get you anywhere!
Take care!
14 Jay_galk25 // Sep 17, 2005 at 1:31 pm
Ryc: A) I was feeling lazy and wanted a little inspiration, B) Because I live in irrational world, population my friends.
Jay (I wish I knew how to quit him, but yet still love him so much) “Rawr”
15 chublin // Sep 17, 2005 at 2:45 pm
good comeback! wit wins again.
ryc: a smock? (indignant) i certainly am not.
16 chicagoartgirl23 // Sep 17, 2005 at 6:53 pm
Ha–I love it. In other news, I’ve got a cd for you. Email me the address I should send it to and it wil be on the way shortly!
17 trcs // Sep 18, 2005 at 8:36 am
you were in my dream last night. weird!
18 rainingheart // Sep 18, 2005 at 9:48 am
Glad you are going to the NW. Cars are cheap up there. Unload the Tracker and get a Jeep–or a bicycle. =)By the way…hubby is going to Seattle next month for a job interview. I hope he says YES! Maybe if *I* say “YES” more to things that HE likes, maybe he will say “YES” to Seattle?? Hmm…it might just work!!!!!!
19 derf6179 // Sep 18, 2005 at 4:44 pm
HA! That’s great…. I wish I was as quick!