Who needs continuity, anyway? It’s so overrated.

I went to Arizona this past weekend, and I finally confirmed what I have always suspected: that whole “dry heat” thing is such a lie. It doesn’t matter how freaking arid it is, when it’s 105 degrees and you don’t have air conditioning in your car, hot is hot is hot.

Hot is so hot there that when I arrived at my friend’s parents’ house in Phoenix, Chelsea made a beeline for the swimming pool and dove in head first, wasting no time at all. My friend’s mother, who evidently thought Chelsea was going to drown, began to run in circles and shriek and flail her arms — “The stairs are this way, Chelsea!! IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY” — all the while Chelsea remained calm and gently paddled around in what I can only assume was her version of doing laps.

Anyway, I’m back in the Fe of the Santa (thought I’d switch things around there for ya) and have discovered two things: several people want to know how my internship has been going, and two people want me to tell them all sorts of information about my book collection. So, here goes:

The internship has been a lot of fun. The newspaper is really cool, the editors and staff writers are great. I get to write little reviews of events and excitement like that, and since it’s an alt.weekly, there’s no stopping how ridiculous I can be. I do other things, too, some of which are pretty freaking cool, like interviewing people whose words are incriminating and whose identities must be protected.

More importantly, however, one of the toilet seats at my internship’s office is in the shape of a chili pepper. This bothers me for a number of reasons. For one, it’s red, and therefore you can’t really see what’s on the seat before you sit down, particularly when one of the liquids frequently found in women’s bathrooms is also red. I don’t like this. Secondly, the chilis aren’t quite long enough, so the regular toilet part protrudes
beyond the scope of the seat, making for an uncomfortable piss. Thirdly, it’s plastic, and everyone knows that plastic seats aren’t as good as porcelein ones. But fourthly, and most annoyingly, when I pee in New York, I do not sit on a toilet seat in the shape of a bagel; why then, when I pee in Santa Fe must I sit on a chili pepper?

Everyone has a favorite bathroom stall. Well, that might not be true, but I always pick a favorite stall in any bathroom I use on a regular basis, because one is always better than another. For instance, one is usually larger, or one has a working lock, or a better toilet paper dispenser, or whatever. At my last job, the “best stall” varied daily and was determined by which toilet had the least amount of urine on or nearby the toilet. At this one, however, the bathroom is much cleaner and the Best Stall Award goes to the one without the chili pepper.

That pretty much sums up the internship for now. As for the book question, here you go:

1) Total # of books you own? I have no idea. I had to leave most of my books in New York because my Geo Crapper is too small to transport them, so I’m not at liberty to count.

2) What’s the last book you bought? Profit Over People by Noam Chomsky.

3) What’s the last book you read? The Mysteries of Pittsburg by Micheal Chabon. Admittedly, I started this book in December, and didn’t finish it until May. The reason it took me so long is that I really didn’t like it, and it was truly a struggle to pick it up and read instead of turning to my default pastime, crosswording, or other, more interesting reads such as the New York Times Op-Ed page.

4) List five books that have been particularly meaningful to you. The Things They Carried, by Tim O’Brien. The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger. The New York Times Crossword Puzzle Dictionary, by some genius. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’f?s Nest, by Ken Kesey. Nickel and Dimed, by Barbara Ehrenreich. Tomcat in Love, by Tim O’Brien. Wait, that’s six — oh well.

5) Tag five people and have them fill the quiz out on their own blog. Ugh, do I have to? Blah. Since two people “tagged” me, I’m going to say that the two Number Fives cancelled themselves out and I don’t have to complete it. If, say, you have some burning desire to answer these questions, then consider yourself tagged. Otherwise, olly-olly-in-free!

Unrelated to the rest of the topics discussed today is my job at the coffeeshop. I like this job a lot, but I have learned several things, one of which being that most people do not tip at coffee shops. Even though they order several million things with alterations of all kinds — “I’ll have four pieces of pie, one hot and the others cold, and a small decaf non-fat extra hot mocha latte to go, thanks”– to which I must respond, “I’m sorry, but we don’t have skim milk, is 2% okay?” And I am met with a look of disgust, and my would-be picky customer gives me little more than a grunt before turning around and walking out, and it’s all I can do to hold back the “It’s going to take more than skim milk, you fat bitch” that is sitting on the tip of my tongue.

And that’s it. So, lessons learned today are:

1) Don’t go to Arizona with a broken A/C in the summertime.
2) Don’t sit on a chili pepper.
3) Tag is more fun when it involves running around.
4) When you go to a coffee shop, please tip, especially when you’ve ordered $40 worth of food and made a huge mess and sat in the corner all afternoon and paid with a $100 bill that had seven identical friends in the wallet from which it emerged.
5) I’m Rick James, bitch.

I told you. Continuity is overrated.

18 thoughts on “Who needs continuity, anyway? It’s so overrated.

  1. I tried continuity once, but I just couldn’t do it consistently.I’ve heard great things on Nickeled and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America, but it’s been on my standby list (as in, I can’t stand to read anything else until my thesis goes by[e] {oh fer Pete’s sake, it was Fred’s birthday tonight, we spent too long in a bar, and I’m too tired to come up with anything terribly clever}).Good to hear from you. I have to lay down now.

  2. “It’s going to take more than skim milk, you fat bitch”Hahahahahahahaha. YOU - SO - ROCK!And Noam “Intellectual Critic of U.S Foreign Policy” Chomsky also rocks… Idon’t haveProfit Over People thoughI’m saving up for the next installment of Harry Potter… Heh…And what’s with people NOT tipping? Psssssht all over that.I too must lay down now (and watch The L Word )Positive Vibes,Gabe

  3. That’s funny about the toilet seat. I heard something about somewhere where they were making urinals the shape of women’s lips and a whole bunch of people protested!

  4. The chili pepper toilet is totally OTT. Glad to hear you’re surviving the internship and the picky, deludedcustomers at the coffee shop (I am one of those annoyingly long-ordered customers out of habit -it’s not my fault, I’m from Vancouver). Thank goodness for backyard pools! Good luck with that hot hot heat.

  5. First off – most toilet seats are in the shape of a bagel, whether you’re in new york or not. Older ones can even take on the color and texture of a bagel. Also, the reason you don’t understand dry heat is because it hasn’t been 105 degrees in New York City in 10 years, at which point, walking outside felt a lot like swimming without the refreshing coolness which swimming tends to provide. The phrase is Olly, Olly, Oxen-Free. AndI miss you a lot, minutes or no.

  6. Yay for interviewing incriminating people! Your internship sounds fantastic! I’m sorry that you are grappling with the woes of the tip-less barista. I worked at as a Barista all through college and tips were always pretty Luke warm. And nothing says “License to Bitch” like a Starbucks cup. Venti nonfat latte: $4. License to Bitch: Priceless.

  7. Just wait 105 is just the beginning. It will be over 110 for at least 30 days in a row this summer in AZ! God I miss that, anyway sounds like you are adjusting well to the sticks in the west.

  8. “But fourthly, and most annoyingly, when I pee in New York, I do not sit on a toilet seat in the shape of a bagel; why then, when I pee in Santa Fe must I sit on a chili pepper?”
    Ahh, to awake and read lines like that, priceless. Good to hear all is going well and since I haven’t blaytently stolen anything from anyone in a while, I’ll do the book thing next post probably :).
    Jay “Cougar Rawr”

  9. “I’m Rich Biotch!”- Dave Chappelle has quite a few problems…lol
    You need to take a picture of the toilet seat, lol. Its good to see you that you’re having fun and doing well at the newspaper.After a long day of stress, its nice to hear about something good. Thanks. No A/C? Yikes! I wish it were warmer here.Its June and still wearing a fleece in the evenings. Nice.

  10. Yay! News about your work. Hope you’re having fun and learning lots. Will any of your stuff be posted on their Web site (seems like all they post is the cover story)? You’ll have to post your clips once they’re in print. Or you could just let us sample some raw copy here on your blog (hint hint).

  11. Hey Doll…sounds like all is well….once again we see the the high degree of intelligence of our K9 friends…the old Chello knew exactly what to do…I am sure she was thinkingas she plunged head first into the cool water… ” only a humanwould drive across the desert in 105 degrees with no AC.. “.Love you babe….Uncle Joe

  12. Sounds like you need to cool your continuity–it’s waaayy too hot.
    Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor–totally hot in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”Dry heat” hot in un-airconditioned carChili pepper toilet seats–hot–that’s gotta stingHot pieHot decaf non-fat extra hot mocha latte
    Poor Chelsea! I can just see her panting and drooling all over your car!

  13. How I very much love your sense of humor. I now know what books to look for at the bookstore, as I usually go in there with a clean slate and come out with crap. Take care.

  14. I saw a “chelsea dog” the other day. Thought of you. Glad the sitcom of your life is continuing- if only for my own entertainment ;)

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