Yesterday afternoon, I found out that a local coffee shop here decided I was worthy enough to take on as a part-time employee. So I woke up this lovely morning at six o’clock, just in time to walk Chelsea, drink some coffee, and take a shower before heading down to the store to open at 7:30.
This is all well and good. Actually, it’s excellent, considering that I am broke and my unpaid internship won’t be covering the bills. What wasn’t so good was the surprise I had waiting for me when I returned home at noon:
Chelsea had peed on my makeshift bed.
Yes, she peed everything — the sheets, blankets, pillows, mattress pad — the whole works. Water works, that is. Obviously, I arrived shortly after she had done the deed — when I entered my bedroom, I found her pawing at the wet spot (to dry it or to spread it around? The world may never know). When she saw me, she bounced up and down a few times, then sheepishly rolled over (in her own urine) and apologetically wagged her tail.
This means only one thing: I need a mattress. When I finally procure my Wonderful Bed, it will be just tall enough that Chelsea and her arthritic limbs will not be able to scale it. This will leave only her own pillow (and the carpet) to desecrate.
What I have learned from this most recent episode is that TimsHead, M.A., might be on to something: My life is a sitcom. Or, at the very least, it is a series of unfortunate but vaguely humorous events, which I suppose is the definition of a sitcom in the first place. I would like to note, however, that Rachel from Friends worked at a coffee shop and lived in a gargantuan Greenwich Village apartment. I, on the other hand, work in a coffee shop and Chelsea peed on my bed.
Actual dialogue in the laundry room!Mydogischelseaandshepeedonmybed: Yeah, so my dog peed on my bed.
Unidentified neighbor: Awwww, how cute! [WTF?]
Me: I think maybe she did it because she’s a little nervous. We just moved out here from New York City, so it’s a big change for her.
UN: Did you sign a lease? [No, I'm squatting on the roof and living here rent free.]
Me: Yes. [I head towards a dryer with a bunch of sheets.]
UN: No! Don’t use that one! I used it once and my clothes came out in a big wadded ball and I couldn’t get them apart.
Me: I used it last night and my clothes came out fine.
UN: Well, maybe they fixed it.
Me: Maybe.
Note: I have posted pictures from the road trip. Click here to see them.
18 responses so far ↓
1 TimsHead // May 15, 2005 at 12:09 pm
Will there be a live audience and/or laughtrack involved? Because then there would be some kind of “awww” inserted every time something Chelsea does something cute, and laughter for the inane comments of your neighbors (I’m thinking the townsfolk will be a cross between Newhart and Northern Exposure). Then the question is whether to include your inner monologue, which is likely as funny as anything happening on screen.Hmm … I like the look of TimsHead, M.A. … although it would be pretentious to retitle my blog as such, eh?
2 chicagoartgirl23 // May 15, 2005 at 1:06 pm
UN: Perhaps I have a truck that you might like to borrow.Mydogischealsea: Why yes, how neighborly of you!UN: I know–it’s a lot more helpful than paranoid laundry warnings.mydog: True dat!::smile::So welcome to the world of basrista-ing! I was a bristled barista through college. Its not a bad gig–it actually trained me to be an early riser (waking at 8:00am is sleeping in for me) and the co-workers at coffee shops are generally cool. Some days I actually miss it when I am dreading cramming myself into my cubicle and interacting only with the phone and emails all day, but then I remember the bitchy church crowds that would flood our shop Sunday around 11:00am and I miss it no longer. Just pray your shop isn’t a hang out for self-righteous churchgoers on Sunday and you’ll be fine.
3 trcs // May 15, 2005 at 1:17 pm
My mum (of all people) actually had a converstaion with me on the phone recently about how “mydogischelsea should really try to sell her stuff to a sitcom!” She was really deadset on the idea too, as if she had put a lot of thought into it. It amuses me that you are now a household name in my family. (my sister included)
p.s. I laughed out loud reading this entry. In the words of Gabe, “You Rock”.
4 sunshineboy78 // May 15, 2005 at 1:55 pm
Cosmos pooped on the bed when he first moved here. Luckily, it was very dry.
5 edudlooc13 // May 15, 2005 at 2:14 pm
That must’ve been something to clean up!Laundry troubles. Last time, the washing machine I had my clothes in broke in the middle of the spin cycle and the door was locked, imprisoning my clothes in there until the utility people were able to help out. It was quite the experience. My poor underwear ;\
6 derf6179 // May 15, 2005 at 4:16 pm
Sounds like an extremely intelligent Unidentified Neighbor! I’m sure this person is one that you will come into contact with on a regular basis.
7 Jules27 // May 15, 2005 at 10:06 pm
You’ve got a lot of love for that dog – I think I’d flip. The joys of moving cities, eh? Always snags and stress – the only way to turn it into something positive is to blog about it and get lots of encouraging comments! *You can dooo eeet*
8 trcs // May 15, 2005 at 10:10 pm
RYC (and mine above): It actually transcends the family residence since I live in Vancouver, my mum in Waterloo (Ontario), and my sister in Toronto. hahaI’m giddy just thinking about getting a package! I will e-mail you my snail mail addy.The shoe mission continues… though I think I agree about nixing the pointy toes. I already have some in my (modest) collection, so I need to branch out.I totally understand the unbearable New York heat and humidity… we have the same weather in Ontario so I grew up with that. Vancouver is much milder when it comes to weather (cold or hot). Every season change here I have to laugh at all the complaints Vancouverites make about how cold or hot it is.
9 prettypixie7 // May 15, 2005 at 10:39 pm
My cats like to leave me little presents in my bed. Like mice.
10 Rod_Lamour // May 16, 2005 at 1:54 am
Thanks for the road trip…the pics were fun….Love to the Chello….she just needed to mark her new turf…guess she just wanted to remind you who is really the boss . next time bring her a donut
11 babyboomer64 // May 16, 2005 at 4:46 am
I have always wanted to take a real road trip. Thanks to you and the great pics, I can now do that vicariously through you. (without the pee on my bed!) What was up with the ditz in the laundry room? Are they all like that in Santa Fe? I would have thought the people were different. More artsy, less moronic! Keep up the daily journal. Can’t wait to see what you write next.
12 tektoo2 // May 16, 2005 at 5:33 am
Interesting unidentified neighbor? WTF is right…
Sorry to hear about the bed though. Didnt she do that once before back in NYC? The “Love Unit” is classic. The pics are nice. They make me want to take a cros-country drive. Hell, in the Jetta it’d be a quick trip. It’s good to see you settling in.
13 Trueblue456 // May 16, 2005 at 2:49 pm
I’m sorry but that’s too funny..lol. Good luck with your new job and I hope you find an extra comfy mattress
14 brotherpriest // May 16, 2005 at 3:22 pm
Dog piss is adorable? Phenomenal.
15 babyboomer64 // May 16, 2005 at 3:58 pm
let’s put it this way…the anal probe would’ve been alot easier. it’s times like these that make me thankful i didn’t become a nurse.
16 Magazineman // May 16, 2005 at 5:28 pm
Hey, glad you landed in SF safely, although methinks Chelsea was exacting her revenge for the long road trip.Speaking of which, I think we were in Ohio at the same time (I was out of town recently). In fact, I’m pretty sure I passed a Tracker on Westbound 80. Do you by chance remember a guy in a van? Trying to stop his kid from winging CDs out the window like tiny Frisbees? Yeah, that was me!Anyway, glad you made it. Did you ever say which paper you were interning for? Like I have any right to ask…
17 chublin // May 16, 2005 at 9:25 pm
Ohhh i hate apartment laundry room talks. one time i had to pull some girls clothes out of the dryer and she walked in when i was holding an arm load of stuff including a bright orange thong. awkward!
18 Jay_galk25 // May 17, 2005 at 11:50 am
It’s funny cause just the other day I was told my life will be a sitcom, I see it as more of an ABC dramedy though
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Jay “Rawr”