I was leafing through the Learning Annex — er, let me start again. I was walking Chelsea, and realized I forgot bags to clean up after her, so I yoinked a few issues of the Learning Annex — because what is the Learning Annex good for, after all, if not for picking up dog poo?
Anyway, since I only needed one Learning Annex during my walk with Chelsea, when I got home I had several left over. So I was leafing through the Learning Annex, reading about all sorts of seminars you can attend (for a hefty sum) to hear pearls of wisdom come from the mouths of psuedo-celebrities and other people who claim to have experience doing whatever it is they are lecturing about. For only $60 a pop, I can learn how to “Talk to Your Angel Guides,” “Overcome Procrastination Now,” (eww, how presumptuous! Some of us treasure our ability), “Find Your Soul Mate,” and “Become a Paranormal Investigator” (also cross-listed as “Ghost Hunting 101″).
“The Erotic Art of Pole Dancing,” is taught by Jewel — not Jewel the annoying pop singer, but Jewel the “most dramatic & sought after pole dance striptease instructor on the East Coast.” This burlesque expert promises to teach you the basic pole tricks and other sexy moves, AND she will help you learn how to “increase sexual spark in your relationship” and “attract a lover.” The attire: anything comfortable, says the ad, OR a “push-up bra with G-string” (because that’s comfortable).
My personal favorite (and if I had 60 bucks, I would spend it on this) is “How to Open Your Own Laundromat: Turn Coins into Ca$h.”
The copy reads:
“Have you ever dreamed of going into the ’soap and suds’ biz?” [YES!] “If you have, David Lee will lead you to a squeaky clean and enterprising future!” [DOUBLE YES!] “Laundromats are more profitable than ever!” [TRIPLE YES!]
I knew it! I just knew it! Laundromats are goldmines waiting for me to discover them! Quarters are made out of diamonds in laundromats, and besides, even if they aren’t, THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A MORE PROFITABLE TIME FOR THE LAUNDROMAT INDUSTRY. Why? Duh! JUST BECAUSE!
By the way, laundroprophet (and laundroprofit) David Lee is the owner of Jim Lee’s Laundry and Dry Cleaners, and has had two other laundromat ownership experiences, so he would know.
Oh, perusing the Learning Annex. Now that’s what I call a bubbling good time! A good, clean deal! A wash in the park! (I should be put out of my misery… or maybe put in the spin cycle?)
Unrelated side story: I would think this was adorable, except that it’s truly disgusting: I was typing away earlier when I noticed some movement near my keyboard. I looked down to see a tiny little mouse peering up at me from behind the F11 key. Obviously, I screamed and shrieked and carried on and the little guy ran off and hid underneath my answering machine, but I have to admit that seeing his wide, terrified eyes staring up at me gave me some compassion for the poor rodent. But then I picked up my keyboard and saw all the mouse poop he left behind and my rage was rekindled. Gross.Also unrelated, but thanks for all of your concern regarding Chelsea’s broken nail. She is doing well, and her bandage comes off on Friday!
17 responses so far ↓
1 Jules27 // Apr 27, 2005 at 10:46 pm
Was about to comment on the laundromats but the mouse thing threw me right off… eeeek! That’s straight out of S&TC. Anyway… I have to say the only place in the world I think I’d be saying YES! to operating a laundromat would be in France because I saw some cool ones. I would attach a photo I took but Xanga isn’t cool enough. I will email it.
2 McCrakin_Phil // Apr 28, 2005 at 1:11 am
I’ve opened my own laundromat and im telling u… Im richer then i;ve ever been. I have truly mastered turning coins into cash.
About the mouse… Hmm catch it and we’ll feed it to my python.
Glad to hear the good news about Chelsea
3 TimsHead // Apr 28, 2005 at 2:51 am
Now if the laundromat session was taught by David Lee Roth, that would be worth well over $60. Particularly if spandex was involved. Er, on second thought, scrap that last sentence.Of course, you could present your own How To Have Stupendous Blog Success With Readers and Reap Rewards session. Or reap awards. Or award. But it’s one more award than almost any other blogger I know. Trust me, this started out as a compliment. I need more coffee.
4 trcs // Apr 28, 2005 at 3:41 am
I, for one, have nooo compassion for the little rodent who helped him or herself to your trcs Canadian Procrastination package. ugh. The nerve!
5 jaki_o // Apr 28, 2005 at 4:16 am
I was trying really hard to come up with a pun about the laundromat, but I’m having a hard time doing so. OOOOH.
I bet you could really “clean up” if you opened a laundromat. hee hee.
I can see how you’d be torn between thinking the mouse was cute, and being freaked out by it’s presence. precense. presense prescense I don’t know how to spell!
6 chublin // Apr 28, 2005 at 6:59 am
a mouse ran across my foot once while i was at my computer. i shrieked like a girl, too…
7 requiem_4_a_dream // Apr 28, 2005 at 8:17 am
nice site. something sort of funny: a few of my friends just put their resources together and purchased a laundromat. i’ve been picking on them ever since… funny stuff reading your post.
8 Jay_galk25 // Apr 28, 2005 at 8:39 am
I so gotta put a pole somewhere in the apartment, than taking those classes will pay off for me. Laundrymat, I dunno, Omar’s a little big into his real estate reveling atm, but perhaps I could convince him we need to buy a laundry :). And finally, I already found my soulmate, sadly, we’ll never be together in this life, but at least I know he exists.
Jay “Rawr”
9 pumpernickel_rye // Apr 28, 2005 at 11:08 am
kisses for chelsea toes. Are you sure it wasn’t a baby rat? You being in NY and all. I too feel the same sort of aw baby compassion for mice. They are totally adorable. But the mouse droppings are the worst, and once it begins to accumulate you won’t care how damn cute they are, you’ll just want them gone. Which is just one more reason we wanted barn cats. So somebody else could deal with them. My tack room is actually beginning to stay clean.
10 chicagoartgirl23 // Apr 28, 2005 at 11:29 am
I’m glad to hear your puppy’s feet are healing up nicely. The bottom of my apartment building is a laundry mat. Apperantly they are such a sucessfull biz that the dumb has gone through three owners in 2 1/2 years (YES! YES!..oh wait…this sucks.) Making a living off of quarters is a bad rap in a neighborhood (like mine) that is gentrifying so quickly and filling up with apartments complete with “laundry in building!” Sigh. I hope the people that own it now are here to stay. I like them so much I let them sign for me fed ex shipments! They are very cool indeed, even if I would never want the buisiness of washing other people’s dirty socks and underware.
11 chicagoartgirl23 // Apr 28, 2005 at 11:30 am
sorry about my insane spelling and grammar today! yikes–scary stuff!
12 derf6179 // Apr 28, 2005 at 2:51 pm
Did you use another “Learning Annex” to clean the mouse poopie
13 Gnarlysurf // Apr 28, 2005 at 5:45 pm
Perhaps the mouse had the hots for your computer mouse? Umm nah never mind. Shesh if I only could think before writing.
14 visitamanda // Apr 28, 2005 at 7:56 pm
a mouse under your keyboard. how beautifully New York. It almost makes me wish for more rodents in my apartment, if only to feel like a true urbanite.
15 Gabe_Real // Apr 29, 2005 at 1:12 am
What about erotic pole laundromat. I say we go halfers… The best of both worlds - this has success written all over it… Heh.Or not…Basic pole tricks and other sexy moves. Hahahahahaha. My mind is definitely in the gutter.Did you look under your answering machine yet? Could you have be left with another *poopie treat*?Positive Vibes!Gabe
16 tektoo2 // Apr 30, 2005 at 3:19 pm
I had to open a 20+ year old sofa bed at my grandmother’s house today, and three mice ran off of the mattress when it opened. GROSS! Now i’m not that afraod of mice, but I jumped and screamed…. “Quearters are diamonds…”, thats great.
17 Rod_Lamour // May 4, 2005 at 1:40 am
My Beautiful Laundrette……rent it sometime…good movie….