Spring is wonderful — the time of year when everyone is happy simply because their thawing limbs no longer require several layers of insulation. It is the one season, at least in New York, where the weather is consistently nice: sunny days, warm air, tolerable humidity. In a mere month, this place will be dripping with sweat and reeking of boiling urine.
But spring isn’t just the season of rebirth and blossoming and all that crap — it’s the season of construction. Construction is, seemingly, everywhere. The building next door to me, for instance, a four-story brownstone, is currently in the process of getting a total overhaul. Once the home to many rent-stabilizedapartments, this building is joining the gentrification bandwagon by becoming a single-family home in one fell swoop. (What a thought! Why not address the lack of affordable housing by destroying whatever we have left?!)
So, what does it take to turn an apartment building into a mansion? Well, I’ll tell you. It takes an extraordinarily large construction crew that begins drilling, chopping, soldering, hammering, pounding, and crashing at 8:30 in the morning. It takes erecting a plywood facade that blocks all of the sidewalk so Mydogischelsea can’t readily access her own building. It takes several rings on her doorbell a day, because “Sorry, we need to access your building’s basement again. Oh, and do you mind waiting for an hour while we do that? Thanks.” But most importantly, it takes constructing a giant cinder block wall a mere ten feet away from Mydogischelsea’s tiny window, which means that the already pathetic amount of natural light her room gets will soon be reduced to complete darkness.
Yesterday, there was no cinder block wall. But in the five or so hours of exploding, drilling, and carrying on this morning, the wall has grown to a towering height of 10 feet, and surely by this afternoon it will reach my window. Translation: I will never be able to be in my room without the lights on ever again, unless I wish to pretend that I have been sucked into a black hole.
But even then, I would have a difficult time of fooling myself, because black holes are sound-free. And the outrageous noise coming from the building next door is more like something you’d hear from an orca-sized vacuum cleaner than in an actual vacuum. It’s like I’m one of those people who loads the baggage onto the airplanes, but I forgot my noise-blocking ear protectors.
So last night, when the construction was finally laid to rest for the evening, I revelled in the serenity of my soon-to-be black hole. Until…
Doo-doo-doo.
Dee-dee-dee?
Doo-doo-doo.
Dee-dee-dee?
Dee-dee-dee?
Doo-doo-doo.
Yes, that’s right, folks! Someone in a nearby building was INSTANT MESSAGING so loudly that I could hear the whole conversation. I, for one, have set my alert sounds at such a low volume that I can barely even hear them, but even if I tried to make my instant messages that loud, my computer would refuse, because even my Macintosh has more courtesy than whoever it was chatting up a storm last night.
Doo-doo-doo. [Translation: I've turned my computer's volume up and then placed the speakers in my open windows, facing into a bullhorn that is set on the loudest possible volume.]
Dee-dee-dee? [Oh really? What a great idea!]
Doo-doo-doo. [I know, thanks. I'm brilliant. Almost as brilliant as those people who decided to displace an entire building of tenants to create a ridiculously posh apartment for themselves and in the meantime make a living hell out of Mydogischelsea's day.]
Dee-dee-dee? [You have a dog named Chelsea? I thought you only had a cat.]
That’s the thing about spring. It’s the season to leave your windows open—and fresh air does not a vacuum make.
25 responses so far ↓
1 jaki_o // Apr 21, 2005 at 8:30 am
Haha, I love the AOL translation. Sorry about the construction, that sucks!
2 Didya_evawonda // Apr 21, 2005 at 8:34 am
There’s only one solution. Move to Santa Fe. I hear they don’t even boil their urine down there.
Oh…and what is “sautering?” Soldering? Sauntering? Sauteeing?
3 mydogischelsea // Apr 21, 2005 at 8:40 am
Thanks, Ernie. “Sautering” is my phonetic (and pathetic) attempt to spell “soldering.”
4 skylia22 // Apr 21, 2005 at 8:55 am
haha, ringworm is actually ringwood. a very small town i willl be spending the week end at. just a pet name that i came up with because it is just as glamorous as the rash.
and thanks…. i am still trying to find something that i like for a layout.
5 chublin // Apr 21, 2005 at 10:00 am
yikes. some people should be forced into “considerate class”. I think that would solve a lot of problems. It would be like having a driver’s license.. only more necessary. In my perfect little world, people wouldn’t be allowed to leave the considerate compound until they had demonstrated that they get the hang of the basics… like thinking about the effect of LOUD NOISES on sleeping neighbors in the middle of the night. Doo-doo-doo
6 McCrakin_Phil // Apr 21, 2005 at 12:47 pm
I understand…
7 zmftimelord // Apr 21, 2005 at 2:19 pm
I just turn them off.
8 tektoo2 // Apr 21, 2005 at 2:39 pm
I feel for you. I had to endure the kitchen rebuild of the people next door to my apartment. Hell in the morning! Just pray that they dont put in a window… Is Snata Fe quiet?
9 brotherpriest // Apr 21, 2005 at 4:14 pm
This moving thing has been quite difficult. I can only imagine the move you’re experiencing going from NY to Santa Fe. Mine is only 3 hours. It actually helps me knowing that someone else that I admire is going through this, also.
10 TimsHead // Apr 21, 2005 at 4:19 pm
I remember one summer when they decided to rip out the street running past my apartment. As if the sound of construction from sunup to sundown wasn’t enough, the crew put their huge merge left arrow just outside my window. It wasn’t the oscillating light that bugged me nearly as much as listening to the loud gas-powered generator run all night. Hottest months of the year, me without a/c, having to keep the windows closed and fan running with music up. But then, even if that wasn’t there, I would have just heard an asshole berating and/or beating up his girlfriend at least once a week at the bar across the street. Let’s just say I don’t miss the neighborhood much.
11 prettypixie7 // Apr 21, 2005 at 4:53 pm
You should do what I do and live in the woods
12 Gnarlysurf // Apr 21, 2005 at 5:59 pm
LOL you make me laugh. First of all I love how you refer to yourself as “mydogischelsea” – its great. Secondly I whole “doo doo doo dee dee dee” thing was perhaps the most funniest thing you’ve ever written. Well either that or I’m just in a weird mood. Nevertheless it was quite an amuzing entry. Look on the bright side of being in the dark (grrr) – you won’t have to worry about your room’s lack of sun light since you’ll be in Sante Fe!
13 fingerlessgloves // Apr 21, 2005 at 6:38 pm
Yeah, I hate any noises on a computer. Right now I’m trying to figure out how I can get it to stop making that damn *click* noise every time I push my index finger into the mouse button. I don’t remember reading about that feature on the box.
14 Gabe_Real // Apr 21, 2005 at 10:19 pm
Doo-dee-doo: I show Quicktime format videos JUST FOR YOU yo. Quicktime and Apple go hand-in-hand… Dee-doo-dee: I gather someone out there really wants others to know that they have IMfriends… Heh.Doo-doo-doo: Yay for natural light. Boo for construction and the lack of affordable housing. Boo for things taking away from your right for natural light.And the clincher line… I thought you only had a cat. BRILLIANT!PRIMO Positive Natural Light-IM-sound-free Vibes,Gabe
15 Rod_Lamour // Apr 22, 2005 at 2:37 am
Just visit your Uncle Joe to escape the impossible noise,and bring Chelsea too….you will just have to listen to my inconsiderate neighbor cut his lawn at nine o’clock at nite (in the dark)..How does he do that? When I check out his lawn the next morning it is cut perfectly…How does he do that?? He must have natural nite vision.
16 sunshineboy78 // Apr 22, 2005 at 5:33 am
I love your translations of the IM sounds, M-Dic, Just think, however how much nicer they are than having to listen to Ronaele Gninnac while you’re trying take a refreshing nap in your cubicle.
17 sunshineboy78 // Apr 22, 2005 at 9:41 am
you’re verry funny. That was an early photoshop job (the top one) and I was 17 (oh my god that’s nearly ten years ago). The bottom one is a very early photo shop job. Similar idea, done without computers, however.
18 soleilseven // Apr 22, 2005 at 12:19 pm
I know…I can’t wait until the roar of air conditioning units drown everything out. Come on summer!
19 chicagoartgirl23 // Apr 23, 2005 at 4:37 am
I HATE the sound of IM! My roommate used to IM all through the night during my first year in college, forcing me to adopt a style of sleeping that involved all my pillows and blankets strapped down over my head instead of covering my body.
20 Didya_evawonda // Apr 23, 2005 at 4:38 am
Ronaele Gninnac! You two are too much.
21 Jay_galk25 // Apr 23, 2005 at 7:25 am
The new post is finally up, I’ll comment on yours in a few, working on “the pile” atm.
Jay “Rawr”
22 Magazineman // Apr 23, 2005 at 5:03 pm
In the right setting, that sound is almost worse than an alarm clock or a construction vehicle backing up.And now my mind is actually creating the sound. It’s totally quiet here, but I hear that damn sound. Thanks a pantload!
23 Who_Knows_If_the_Moons // Apr 23, 2005 at 7:09 pm
thx so much for the props. that line was my favorite too lol
24 derf6179 // Apr 25, 2005 at 2:22 am
Wow…how inconsiderate of whoever that is… Good Luck with that!
25 Jay_galk25 // Apr 26, 2005 at 4:27 am
Last summer, they redid the sidewalks in my neighborhood, and well let me tell you me and Ange were like schoolgirls giggling at the cute construction workers, ahh what a two weeks that was. We each had favorites and as always all good things come to an end and we went back to being bored and disinterested. The highlight came though when I told the (can’t think of the word Ange used, way to early) construction worker that Ange was in love, ahh the stalking, another of my many achievements.
Jay “Rawr”