My Dog is Chelsea

Stuck in depths of the subway tunnel somewhere between 72nd and 79th Streets this morning for entirely too long, I began to recap the Metropolitan Transit Authority’s recent debacles:
1) Today, a “broken rail” at 28th Street caused major delays on all downtown 1,2,3, and 9 trains.
2) Yesterday, “loose debris” started a fire in the Atlantic [...]

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When I was about five years old, I took swimming lessons at a nearby Y.� I hated it. But cold and terrified, I’d leave that dreadful experience every week with a smile on my face, because I knew what was coming: the Perfect Milkshake.
The PM came from a local coffee shop. It was a small [...]

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The City of New York’s website features a map of neighborhoods color-coded by their levels of excessive drinking. Most of Manhattan, northern Staten Island, western Queens, and the hipster part of Brooklyn take the cake. But what I would really like to know is why exactly does Rikers Island, which houses nothing but the city’s [...]

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After my post the other day about my mother’s diet, Inside Tim’s Head recommended that I write a diet book with the Vodka-Only Diet as the selling point. Little does Tim know that I have already begun a diet book, but it pitches the more aptly titled Fried-Only Diet. So, with apologies to the five [...]

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My mother is on a diet, which means that a) the refrigerator is stocked with nothing but grapefruit and cottage cheese and b) every conversation she has with me is related to dieting. In the last few days she has said the following things:- “Have you lost weight?”
- “Don’t you think [insert any name here] [...]

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