Sometimes I think the story of my life is just a repetition of the same old story: I am the girl who sees dog shit on the sidewalk, makes a point of avoiding it, and steps in it accidentally anyway. If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, “Laura, only that would happen to you,” I would have nearly enough money to retire at age 22. So what’s going on here — do I attract a disproportionate number of hideously embarrassing disasters, or am I the only one who tells people about them?
For instance:
I have this pink flowing skirt whose hemline is jagged, so it falls slightly above my knees in the front, but just above my calves in the back. Somebody once described it as “taffeta,” but since I am devoid of fashion sense, I have no idea what “taffeta” means or even if the description is remotely accurate. I guess it doesn’t really matter what the skirt looks like — the important thing is that it has an uneven and ultra-complicated hemline. That much I know.
Anyway, this summer I was in a crowded restaurant in Burlington, Vermont, donning my favorite pink skirt. I got up to use the bathroom. It was the kind of restaurant bathroom with just enough room in each stall to balance precariously in the vicinity of the of the toilet bowl and hope your aim is good. I couldn’t sit down if I had wanted to (which I didn’t) because there wasn’t enough space to fit my knees.
I exited the stall as quickly as possible, mainly because I couldn’t really fit without nearly falling into the toilet. I was washing my hands when a woman entered.
“Oh — I’m sorry,” she said, and turned to leave.
I assumed that she had, like me, mistakenly thought the tiny space was a single bathroom. (This is where Laura’s better judgment should have kicked in. It didn’t.)
“No, it’s okay, it’s not a single,” I reassured her, “and anyway I’m just leaving.”
The woman gave me a weird look. (This is when she should have said something to me. She didn’t.)
And so, as luck would have it, and it always does, I walked all the way through the crowded restaurant to my table on the sidewalk with my skirt tucked into my thong.
This is where we have to ask the question — was it the fault of the jagged hemline or my utter and complete lack of whatever it is that we’re supposed to have that prevents us from mooning people in crowded restaurants?
But maybe I’m asking the wrong question. It’s not about blame, it’s about shame (I have none). Maybe this kind of thing happens all of the time. So, then, perhaps this is the right question:
Why am I the only one blogging about it?
Edit: Special thanks to Chublin, Prettypixie7, and BouncingIntoGraceland for helping me figure out the actual material of my skirt: chiffon. Who knew? I always thought that chiffon was some sort of dessert.
30 responses so far ↓
1 Didya_evawonda // Mar 24, 2005 at 3:19 pm
Let me be the first to say that I’ve never tucked my skirt, regardless of how jagged its hemline, into a thong. For the love of God, how can you live with yourself?!
2 zmftimelord // Mar 24, 2005 at 3:36 pm
Wow, sorry to hear that. I’m doubly sorry that it was first amusing to read about that before the shocked face came.
3 MaximaBella // Mar 24, 2005 at 3:39 pm
Well, Im almost 2′3..Im only 5′1..carrying 151 on 5′1…uh, not so hot!
But thnx so much for your compliment..its just im so tiny..i can get pretty rolly polly when I put on any weight..and Im built thick…curvy..as it is!
You made my day!
re yr last post..OMG…I CANT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT??!?!?
That is mortifying!
4 Magazineman // Mar 24, 2005 at 5:04 pm
Omigod! The same EXACT thing happened to me! Except for the thong part. And the skirt part. But otherwise…(Am feeling wee smidges of guilt that my rejection letter post over at my place might have had the opposite effect than what was intended. And see, now I could say your writing is way better than stuff I pay good money for. But somehow I’m not sure that will make you feel any better either.Right. Shutting up now…)
5 TimsHead // Mar 24, 2005 at 5:08 pm
Why am I the only one blogging about it?I’ll be kind and say you’re brave. A kind of pioneer.But really, I think there is such a thing as a klutzy gene. To wit: I am a living embodiment of The Strap Rule, that if you carry something with a strap on it, you will always catch it on something. Whether it’s lassoing the lanyard of my keychain on my gearshift (at least once a week), closing the strap of a camera in a car door or inadvertently snaring the loop of an umbrella on a stray chair, I have this talent for comingling the laws of physics with Murphy’s Law. Maybe it’s the same gene that makes a person a writer.
6 pumpernickel_rye // Mar 24, 2005 at 6:22 pm
I can’t really comment on your question because I’m too delighted in knowing you wear a thong.
7 littlelauren43082 // Mar 24, 2005 at 7:40 pm
OMG. You are like my twin, but far away. You look very much like me and I do shit like this all the time. People at my work always make fun of me. You’re not alone in the world in crap like this. I feel so much better reading this cause I thought I was the only one. Yay!!!
8 chublin // Mar 24, 2005 at 8:40 pm
taffeta is a type of material fabric. it’s kind of crinkly and shiny. it’s usually used in fancier, more princess-like dresses. I don’t know how I know that.
9 Gabe_Real // Mar 24, 2005 at 9:59 pm
Let’s say: the fault lies entirely on the jagged hemline coupled with the woman who gave you *the weird look* (like would it have killed her to given you a courtesy tap on the shoulder? Psssht. Somewhere out there is a big rainstorm and in the standing in the middle of said hypothetical-styles rainstorm is that same woman, whose umbrella just won’t open… Heh… that’s Karma for you.)And it’s not shame either. It’s a cleansing? | comfortability? | release? Like *they* say: Sharing is Caring… And if you can share something like this with us (*heart* for the thong) you must care about us a LOT.That says something about your overall rockin’ness. Bolded Positive Vibes Styles,Gabe
10 derf6179 // Mar 25, 2005 at 1:06 am
Replace dog shit with Goose Shit and that’s my life. It’s next impossible to dodge it up here in Oswego. There’s green goose poop EVERYWHERE. As far the skirt and thong incident….D’oh!Fred!
11 burningsecrets // Mar 25, 2005 at 3:06 am
that was a highly amusing story. maybe I’ll blog about my embarrasing moments too.
12 AZcowboy // Mar 25, 2005 at 3:28 am
LOL that is the funniest blog ever!
13 AZcowboy // Mar 25, 2005 at 3:29 am
LOL that is the funniest blog ever!
14 Jay_galk25 // Mar 25, 2005 at 4:51 am
I must agree that was hilarious, and I could just imagine that happening to some of my friends :).
Jay “Rawr”
15 Coccinella // Mar 25, 2005 at 5:09 am
OMG - I can’t even begin to tell you how hilarious this is!!!!!! wow - yeah i have no shame either, i’d put it all out there too. For the people who don’t, they may laugh but they know they’ve been there too.
(that’s what I keep telling myself, lol.)
16 rainingheart // Mar 25, 2005 at 5:23 am
Check this out:the reason I do not wear skirts that come above my kneesI am at the Universitytrying to be ultra-coolwith my cute little topand my hot little skirtand my backpack filled with booksas I walk out of the glass buildingputting my backpack on my backmy red panties are showingbecause I’ve accidentallyhiked up my skirtI notice and put myself togetherwalk quickly to the bookstoreand buy a sweatsuitthat is the reasonI do not wear skirtsthat come above my knees(One poem–just for you!)
17 deathangel_666 // Mar 25, 2005 at 6:16 am
hmmm… if you think about it, it’s not that big of a deal. lol sorry, i just came to say that i have a dog named chelsea too!!! alright, i think i bugged you enough.
the smartass
18 xavier1818 // Mar 25, 2005 at 8:18 am
who owes who a beer?
19 tektoo2 // Mar 25, 2005 at 8:35 am
Sorry for your embarrassment, but that was hilarious. And no one said anything as you walked back to your table? WOW…lol
20 Dyrb2 // Mar 25, 2005 at 9:53 am
I think that the blame can be layed squarely upon the undersized stall. Distraction was definitely the root of your social slip. If it will make you feel better, I will go moon some people today and blog about it. Great picture too. HaHa!
21 sunshineboy78 // Mar 25, 2005 at 10:02 am
have you contemplated suicide? Death is always an option. Of course, there is always family therapy
22 Didya_evawonda // Mar 25, 2005 at 11:13 am
Actually, Solomon, death isn’t always an option. Just ask Terri Schiavo’s parents and Jeb Bush. They’ll tell ya all about it.
23 prettypixie7 // Mar 25, 2005 at 11:55 am
Yes, I doubt the skirt was made of taffeta, that’s usually prom dress material. I was thinking that since you were describing it as flowy and it’s so popular right now that perhaps it was chiffon?
24 Jay_galk25 // Mar 25, 2005 at 12:16 pm
“have you contemplated suicide? Death is always an option. Of course, there is always family therapy”
I love her though, and without therapy it makes it all the more fun, so death is not an option for her. Terri Schiavo though, well she’s provided plenty of joke fodder for me and Omar, so she rocks.
Jay “Rawr”
25 chicagoartgirl23 // Mar 25, 2005 at 12:37 pm
That was a gasp of horror, especially for you! ::smile:: I am chronically doing mortifying things–I have a particular knack for falling up and down stairs, bumping my head on things (I’m too tall for this world sometimes, you see…), and for passing out whenever I’m uncomfortable–which could be anything from being too hot under the stage lights at a choir concert and plummeting off the back row to growing dizzy and blacking out because of a wafting armpit belonging to whatever Joe dirt is hanging on to the rail on a crowded subway car. Skirts and I usually get along, except for one time when I was a caroler in a production of A Christmas Carol during college. The production was completely unorganized, and as a result, we never had a dress rehearsal before opening night. My costume had a long skirt that was hemmed hideously. When it came time for the carolers to enter, I was able to take about two steps onstage before my shoe’s heel got caught in the hideous hem of the skirt, causing me to trip and fall down the stairs leading off of stage left and into the aisle. The worst part was–I had to get up, pretend nothing had happened and get back on stage to join my quartet in order for them to have their damn alto. That’s my skirt story-but nothing compares to a bare ass parading about a restaurant–that is absolutely the funniest thing I have heard in a while. I love it! I was wondering what to write about next, and now I have inspiration!
26 BouncingIntoGraceland // Mar 25, 2005 at 1:54 pm
well… i know that skirt personally… and it is definitely not taffeta. taffeta is more of a wedding poofy style skirt… i would describe said skirt as chiffon-esque… yes… indeed.
27 doctorperky // Mar 25, 2005 at 3:51 pm
If I wore skirts and thongs I would probably do this. Or have done it when I was younger. I think I have done most of the embarrassing things of that nature I could do and so I have a mental checklist that’s constantly running on one of the channels of my brain. Of course there are always whole new categories of embarrassment to be breached…
28 trcs // Mar 25, 2005 at 4:29 pm
I love this post, and I love that you have no shame. You’re awesome.
29 Rod_Lamour // Mar 25, 2005 at 5:42 pm
Taf.fe.ta(taf’i te), n . a smooth , crisp , lustrous fabric , as of rayon or silk…..always makes beautiful clothes and curtains as well. Funny ,embarassing and a wonderful moment…these are some of the things that make life worth while…a good laugh over a couple of beers….the ability to laugh at ones self is a gift.
30 My Dog is Chelsea » Blog Archive » Smile… you’re on Candid Camera! // Apr 25, 2006 at 4:58 pm
[...] Second edit: Today I am wearing my infamous pink flowing skirt. Here’s hoping that nothing eventful happens! [...]