After my post the other day about my mother’s diet, Inside Tim’s Head recommended that I write a diet book with the Vodka-Only Diet as the selling point. Little does Tim know that I have already begun a diet book, but it pitches the more aptly titled Fried-Only Diet. So, with apologies to the five or so of you who have already read this (I originally posted this story in December) and to the rest of you for not writing something new, please enjoy Mydogischelsea’s Miracle Di-Di, Chapter One:
I consider myself to be a pretty good eater. A good eater, according to my eaters-in-crime, Claire and Ellie, is someone who eats extra fries, holds the lo-cal, and leaves no scrap behind. When the three of us lived in Chicago, we spent a good majority of our free time traveling from gyro joint to hot dog stand to Dunkin’ Donuts. A meal wasn’t complete without a pint of Leine’s Red and fried cheese curds.
Claire and Ellie argue that I am not, in fact, a good eater. I am — sin of all sins — on a diet. “Remember that time you ordered a salad?” Ellie likes to ask. She uses my salad-eating as evidence. “Yeah, but it was an appetizer!” I argue. “I ate a hamburger afterwards — the whole thing!” But to Claire and Ellie, that’s not good enough. Appetizer or not, salad is diet food.
One day I ordered a chicken gyro instead of a regular one. My meal came, and Claire and Ellie eyed my plate first with suspicion, then with disdain. “Are you dieting?” Claire interrogated. “I don’t think that’s acceptable.”
And so life was for the four cold months we lived in Chi-town. We took pride in our eating habits — we were good eaters, and we weren’t going to let some half-baked low-carb craze get the best of our appetites — although we could eat a pint of Half-Baked and then head out for dinner. I put on a few pounds that winter, which I suppose I needed for insulation anyway, and after I moved home I had to detox — all that fatty food did a number on my digestive system. Claire and Ellie would be very upset to hear that I actually dieted. To them, dieting was less of an insult to the body as it was to our friendship.
And on some level, they are right. Our friendship grew from our mutual appreciation of fine food — fried chicken and mozzarella sticks — and abandoning its basis is to reject our commonality.
A year later, when we were back in Colorado, I was deep in my thesis with no end in sight. I had read chapters upon chapters of development theory and had no clear vision for my work — I was in over my head and wanted nothing but for the whole project to disappear. One night, I arrived back from the library, tired and starving, knowing I had no food nor time to prepare it. I was panicked — the way I get when I’ve been procrastinating for too long and can’t figure out what to do next. I needed help.
And I found it, on my front porch. There were Claire and Ellie, sitting out in the cold, drinking malt liquor and eating from a bucket of chicken wings. “We brought you food!” they explained, offering me libations. But it was more than just food — it was forty ounces of Colt 45 and garlic parmesan chicken wings — and it was our friendship.
One day in Chicago we organized an “appetizer tour.” We went to various Hyde Park restaurants, ordered an appetizer, ate it, and moved on to the next — coconut shrimp at Calypso Cafe, peach chicken wings at the Cajun place, crab rangoon and pot stickers at Noodles, Etc., and spring rolls at Pizza Capri. The food was great, although Claire and Ellie were a little dissatisfied with the pot stickers, which were my suggestion — “They weren’t fried,” complained Ellie. “Are you dieting?” — but overall, we decided, we were pretty damn good at menu planning, and even better at eating. One of us suggested after the appetizer tour that we should write a book about food, or at the very least a manifesto declaring our superior eating habits. So this entry is for both of them, two of my favorite people in the world and the best eaters I know. Consider this Chapter One.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!Edit: Ernie, there are plenty of more captivating things to write. But today, at least, they will remain unwritten. I know, I’m totally lame.
15 responses so far ↓
1 trcs // Mar 17, 2005 at 5:02 am
I did read this before, but it was a pleasure to re-visit it.I have a beef with New York City vendor hotdogs. I love hotdogs. I mean yeah they’re technincally gross, but they are damn tasty. So when I visited nyc I was very excited to try a real New York hotdog. I thought they were supposed to be famous or something - but maybe I just made that up.Anyway, what a disappointment! They’re these tiny little things, and all they have to offer to garnish is ketchup and dijon mustard. yuck. I hope Chicago was able to offer you something better. And if not, Toronto or Vancouver vendors should be your next stop in the food tour. Or perhaps when you’re touring with your book.p.s. I actually have a photo of me in nyc with my first nyc hotdog. hahaha. I was soooo annoyed about the hotdog that my friend yelled and me and forced me to smile. ah the memories.
2 MaximaBella // Mar 17, 2005 at 5:17 am
LMFAO
my gf once said to me in a very stern voice “YOU DONT have to be hungry to EAT” she was pissed, and meant it!
this was after me turning down a frozen coffee becuz ‘i wasnt hungry’
I was probably dieting at the time too.
3 MaximaBella // Mar 17, 2005 at 6:46 am
ryc: I know..you just dont go around turning down fraps and the like! Have you seen the Dairy Queen commercial with the gal hook up to electrodes sitting in front of the moolatte?..she cant touch it or gets shocked, but does anyways, thats ME!
I know for sure I must have been dieting at the time-becuz I would never ever, say no to coffee!
Thanks for the Seattle pics compliment, yesterday I blew up the blk & why space needle photo to an 8×10 for framing…
if only i could afford a frame!
4 Jay_galk25 // Mar 17, 2005 at 7:26 am
It’s naturally green, it’s just were so used to it we don’t notice it, so technically they don’t dye it, they lie to us and try to pretend it’s special :).
Jay “Fuck Me, I’m Irish…Rawr”
5 Didya_evawonda // Mar 17, 2005 at 7:32 am
Retreads?! Certainly there must be something more captivating to write!
6 pumpernickel_rye // Mar 17, 2005 at 9:12 am
Calypso Cafe, Noodles, Etc. Golly. I’d forgotten those places. Retreads are fun.
7 diversityROXZ // Mar 17, 2005 at 9:56 am
I aam waiting to get my infected wisdom tooth pulled and can only chew soup so reading about food is the next best thing.Hope your St.Pattys day is full of green eggs and ham-Always remember to forgetThe things that made you sad.But never forget to rememberThe things that made you glad.Always remember to forgetThe friends that proved untrue.But never forget to rememberThose that have stuck by you.Always remember to forgetThe troubles that passed away.But never forget to rememberThe blessings that come each day ((Happy Saint Patricks day ))
8 zmftimelord // Mar 17, 2005 at 10:25 am
Vodka diet…well, one gets veggies that way, in a fermented form, with spuds.
9 Magazineman // Mar 17, 2005 at 10:42 am
I want to see this thing published JUST so I can see you on Oprah and hear her introduce you as the author of THE MIRACLE DI-DI. Cracks me up…
10 TimsHead // Mar 17, 2005 at 12:27 pm
No snack tour is complete without a visit to the legendary Anchor Bar in Buffalo, where the chicken wing was invented. It’s an experience. The wings there are, appropriately enough, just about the best I’ve every had … and they serve Guinness by the pitcher, an a propos topic on this St. Patrick’s Day.
11 Gabe_Real // Mar 17, 2005 at 1:29 pm
I love fried chicken… and waffles… and hamburgers and gyros… and everything like that… like hot dogs with bacon strips loaded with honey mustard, relish, ketchup, sauteed onions and mushrooms and… and… I need to get myself one of those *heart stoppers* right now.r.y.c: HAHAHAHAHAHA. Laura, I *heart* your comments so much… “That’s what happens when you have too many positive ones…” “We Make Partnering a Pleasure” I LOVE IT!!I *heart* how you choose to read things
12 natkat // Mar 17, 2005 at 1:34 pm
i just got a letter from kim about the JC program and about telling her what department you want to work in nad stuff. the summer is getting closer!i still have no clue what department i want to work in/ what age campers i want.happy st patricks day!
13 xrottingfromwithinx // Mar 17, 2005 at 2:25 pm
I have friends pressuring the Vegan Whole Foods Diet. It’s insane. In addition to strict veganism, they can’t eat anything that has been processed in any way–including bread. I personally could never give up caffine. I saw great window decal that read “my blood type is Latte” and have been wanting one for my car ever since.
14 doctorperky // Mar 17, 2005 at 2:50 pm
mmm…potstickers…
15 Jay_galk25 // Mar 18, 2005 at 4:39 am
The fact that you lived in Chicago is just kinky, makes me love you even more :). Btw I actually was talking to someone off Xanga the other day whose never had a gyros, not only was I stunned, I was disgusted, I say you and me invoke a campaign!
Jay “Rawr”