I waited for the Q train today, pondering why there are always so many batteries scattered amongst the train tracks. It seems that everyone these days has an iPod—surely there is no longer a need for AAs!
Or is there? When the train arrived in the station, the subway doors opened to reveal a pungent and nearly effervescent stench (is it possible?) of Jägermeister. I sat down and played a quick round of “guess which one of my fellow MTA riders is drinking in the middle of the day.” I finally decided it must be the thirty-something woman across from me, the one drinking a little too slowly and suspiciously from a soda can, wincing and puckering between sips.
I arrived at work, wondering if I too smelled as if I had been drinking. I stopped in the newsstand in the lobby before heading up to my cubicle to air myself out and purchase some eats.
“Hi Glenn!” I said to the newsstand guy, who until today I thought was my friend.
“You need batteries?” he asked. What was he implying?
“Just a banana,” (that’s for you, Britt and Layla).
Anyway, since this narrative has no real logical connection, other than a bad pun on the word AA, which certainly isn’t something to write home about, I think I will just skip to the chase:
Today I learned that I am a newsstand whore.
Yes, folks, it’s true. According to Glenn, anyway. He said that I come to the newsstand every day with a different man, all of whom, obviously, I am dating.
The reality is more like this: I come to the newsstand every few days with the same gay man, who I am not dating (sigh, he’s already taken).
The rumor must have started a few weeks ago when Glenn asked me out to the movies and I said I was busy. Now half of my building thinks I’m dating the other half of the building.
Well, that’s a blatant exaggeration, because the reality is that no one can understand a word that Glenn says, since he speaks as if his mouth is submerged in a giant fish bowl.
But he did speak loudly enough to warn my friend: “That girl is no good.”
SUCH SLANDER! I have never been anything but nice to Glenn.
Oh well. Now I understand the woman on the train. Pass the Jäger. And I’ll take a package of AAs (and an AA meeting) while you’re at it.
16 responses so far ↓
1 sunshineboy78 // Feb 22, 2005 at 5:57 pm
I don’t get it, why is it obvious that you are not dating this gay man? Is he not attractive? Is he to fat for you or something?
2 mydogischelsea // Feb 22, 2005 at 6:30 pm
mmm, good point. Perhaps, more correctly, obvious to me, but not obvious to Glenn. wtf is with the new picture? What was wrong with the phallic flower?
3 mydogischelsea // Feb 22, 2005 at 6:34 pm
is that better?
4 sunshineboy78 // Feb 22, 2005 at 6:40 pm
define better?
5 McCrakin_Phil // Feb 23, 2005 at 12:22 am
Now, u sigh and say because he’s already taken. are we forgetting that he’s gay? or do u mean the same happy man, who’s taken…
6 McCrakin_Phil // Feb 23, 2005 at 12:24 am
you need batteries? lmao thats great.
7 Jay_galk25 // Feb 23, 2005 at 1:23 am
Brilliance, sheer brilliance, love the listening too
. I’m gonna buy it don’t worry, I’m just waiting for a spending splurg urge to kick in 
.
Jay “Rawr”
8 Didya_evawonda // Feb 23, 2005 at 2:40 am
Ha! AA!! Good one. You need batteries! That could mean almost anything, though.Not quite sure I get the spy thing, though.
9 tektoo2 // Feb 23, 2005 at 7:56 am
“He speaks as if his mouth is submerged in a giant fish bowl.” So True… The Newstand Eyes are Watching!
10 Dyrb2 // Feb 23, 2005 at 9:49 am
Jager in the middle of the day. That chick must have been having a bad day! Oh well, pass it anyway!
11 BouncingIntoGraceland // Feb 23, 2005 at 10:20 am
don’t judge… it’s always five o’clock somewhere… which is a perfectly logical hour for a drink! wait… did that statement just come from me… whatever… take the banana!
12 McCrakin_Phil // Feb 23, 2005 at 12:11 pm
I know the sigh was sarcastic just felt the need to comment on it i guess. Now as far as emotional issues go, i havent actually met u… so until that happens we cannot determine ur emotional status.
13 Jules27 // Feb 23, 2005 at 12:55 pm
Try my “something new every weekend!” plan for one month – if you’re not satisfied, there’s a full money back guarantee. (Because it’s free). It shouldn’t be a big deal that eats up your weekend, just a brief break from the routine to freshen up the perspective and help you see your own backyard with the wide eyes of a tourist (the good kind, not the obnoxious kind wearing tapered fleece and white sneaks). And hey, love it or hate it, makes for great blog material! Don’t forget the digital.
14 Earthgirl7 // Feb 23, 2005 at 2:27 pm
hey!
15 rainingheart // Feb 23, 2005 at 4:17 pm
I need some AA’s, but I don’t need the AA yet. I think. I wrote a poem about wanting to be in AA, but haven’t typed it yet. (I write a lot on the bus, but end up worrying that some stranger is reading over my shoulder.)
16 prettypixie7 // Feb 23, 2005 at 5:23 pm
Jager! My kind of girl.